A Place For Me

I was sitting in my unborn daughters room yesterday, watching my wife take the tags off the new clothes that were given to us at a recent shower. I had just gotten done putting together a brand new white dresser of hers to put the clothes in. When we moved recently we traveled across the U.S. with some of her furniture in the U-Haul, a rocker, crib, stroller, bouncer, swing, clothes. We've talked extensively about getting ready for our little one. We've weighed the pros and cons to certain products, colors, and locations of furniture. Do we need curtains, what about a fan, will the bus noise keep her awake? I've researched insurance and health care and we've looked for doctors to look after her health once she arrives.  We've worked to set aside money to pay for the birth, Bradley classes, and doctor's visits. Public schooling, or home schooling, settling down or moving, shots or no shots. We've had several sonograms to see what she looks like, how the heart is beating, and whose nose she has.  So as I'm watching my wife strategically place all the "stuff" that we've been blessed with in it's right place, everything having purpose in it's position, with thought given to each piece of clothing, diaper,and toy that we keep, it hit me. All this preparation we were doing for Azzi reminded me of our great and merciful God, who says in scripture "In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that here I am you may be also." John 14:2-4  God is preparing a place for me right now at this very moment. He has been since the beginning of time. He had me in mind, he's waiting for me to get there, just like we wait for Azzi to arrive. Yet it's leaps and bounds beyond the yearning we have for our daughter. "What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Me, a sinful, finite, limited, human being loves my unborn daughter. I think about her, I watch my wife hold her stomach and smile at the movement inside. I think about what she will be like, who she will look like and what traits she will carry. Yet it doesn't compare with the love my Savior has for me. It doesn't compare with the thoughts my Savior has for me. It doesn't compare with the pray my Savior prays for me. It doesn't compare with the preparation my Savior is doing for me. My Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself. He is the one who gave me my desires, talents, and dreams. He is the one who knitted me together in my mother's womb. He knows what I like, and what I don't. He knows what makes my heart sing, and where I find beauty. He's knows me more intimately than anyone ever will, or could. I'm glad He's the one preparing a place for me. It brought me great joy as I sat there in my daughters room. Still unborn, still developing, having yet arrived and she was on my mind. To think that we have a Creator, a King, who cares so much more than I ever could. Not only about our lives here on earth, our souls, and the number of hairs on our head, but about our eternal destination. He's preparing for us.  None of this preparation is based on me.  None is based on my performance, or outcome.  In the same way that we prepare for Azzi, not because she will be a child who respects us, loves us, and follows our rules.  No we do this because we love her.  Because she is our child, from our flesh.  We try to model the unconditional love of Christ, who knew that we would spit in his face, return to our vomit and worship created idols instead of a sovereign God, yet he still died in my place, still prepares for me, still prepares for you.  How humbling, how amazing, how beautiful...I can't wait to see it!

JTH

Tears and Trust

It’s not every day that you get to experience the depth of real, raw, life through someone else. It’s not everyday that you’re let in on such a monumental moment in the lives of someone so close. Most of the times you hear by word of mouth, make up the images in your own mind, or hear the stories a few weeks later.  But to be in the inner walls, where the suffering is felt to your core, where you can’t help but feel what they are feeling.  The reality of life hits you like a Mac truck, and the things that tugged at your heart the day before are unworthy of attention.  I will never forget the moment my friend called on March 17, 2009.  My heart sank as I heard C ‘s voice say, “he’s gone, we’ve lost him.”  To go from expectation and excitement to life freezing is crazy and difficult to put into words.  The tears seemed to roll through the phone and my heart was broken into so many pieces.  We all had plans and dreams about Titus and the excitement of watching CJ and Renee raise God’s people.  We knew that the pain of the previous miscarriages would some how be forgotten in the eyes of this baby boy.  But we didn’t experience that, we experienced something so different, yet oddly so amazing, so horrific, yet oh so beautiful.  Perspectives changed this week.  Lives were looked at and questioned.  Our hearts were wildly uneasy and the voice of God was oh so loud.   Time stopped.  Hands were loosened, bonds were made.  Jesus was talked about, Jesus was wept upon, and Jesus was praised.  For without the death of our savior Jesus, we have no hope.  Our hope is not in another child, adoption, or doctors.  Without Jesus we are left to our doubts and fears about what could have been, what should have been, and what we all wished would have been.  Praise God we have a place to go. 

I’ve seen God at work more in these situations in life, than I ever have when things were smooth and easy.  Through pain and suffering God seems to become more to me.  He seems to become what I truly need, not what I want.  The layers get pealed back and I start to see the Kingdom at hand.  I start to see that there is no coincidence in the location of our hospital rooms, jobs, or address.  We are all created for a purpose, there is no coincidence to life, it’s all planned, all predestined, and all positioned by God in perfect harmony to bring glory to his name.  Our small human brains don’t have the capacity to see what he’s doing.  It’s the backwards upside down way that God works in this world.  We are too close to the painting; too involved, too immersed to see the beauty of what God is doing.  I don’t wish for one second to be in my friend’s shoes, but I must look at his response and be encouraged.  For his God, my God, is truly beautiful and worthy of praise.  God can be trusted when our lives are shattered and the future looks uncertain.  We who are limited, finite, fallible, and sinful would never write the story this way.  We would chose to have our sons and daughters, live a pain free existence.  We would choose our own plan and our own dreams, but we are the clay and he is the potter.

I saw the reality this week that God can handle our doubts, fears, tears, and questions, as well as our praise and hope.  God isn’t about begrudging submission or fakeness.  He doesn’t want our good and not our bad, he knows it all anyways.   I love the God that my friends showed me this week.  They made Jesus that much sweeter.  I got to watch, I got to participate, I got to feel.  I got to see the faith of someone tested, I got to see healing, rejoicing, and restoration.  I got to watch tears get trusted in the hands of God and fears left at his feet.  I got to watch God pour incredible grace over my friends. The words were lived out.  Scripture took on a face.  The gospel came alive.  Most of us won’t lose children.  Most of us won’t have to deal with such a horrific event as my dear friends have.  But his people will suffer.  We all will be a part of the sufferings of our King.  It may be jobs, it may be dreams, careers, relationships, and sometimes loved ones, but God never changes.  He is involved, he is in control, he is sovereign.  His plans can never be thwarted.  

There is only one person that can make all this possible.  From the outside it looks absurd, it looks weird, and amazing all at the same time.  We all long for that hope.  Every ounce of our lives scream for it.  We want to be rescued. We want to know we are loved.  We want to know we can be honest with the pain yet do something with it.  That place is Jesus.  The great Redeemer, who rescued us from a life of meaninglessness, who sanctifies us and gives us a hope far greater than any hope in ourselves.  Jesus is the center, the fullness, the climax, the ultimate of our existence.  He didn’t ask us to take on the pain and agony so that no hope would be found, and grace would be lost.  No , it’s quite different.  It’s in these moments that life starts to make sense. Clarity comes.  Life becomes fuller, sweeter, and more meaningful.  You start to walk with purpose.  We suffer with great hope.  Just like Peter said after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.  (1 Peter 5:10)  I got to see this first hand.  God is no phony; Jesus didn’t die for no reason.   True life can be found.  We can raise our hands in praise and say I count it all as loss.  Nothing compares to the surpassing knowledge of the grace of our God.  Nothing.  Real life is not found in our children, our jobs, or our money.  It’s found in God alone.  I saw that this week.  My friends were stripped of their son, and still could say that God was to be praised.  The emotions were real, the feelings were felt, but the reality of it all is that I saw the gospel in true form.  I saw first hand someone pass over their son, and say this is my lot.  This was the call on my life and to God be the glory. 

Just because there is hope, just because eternity is waiting, doesn’t mean we don’t feel, doesn’t mean we don’t fear, doesn’t mean we don’t doubt. My friends showed me that God can be trusted with their pain, with their questions and with their fears.  He can be trusted as they slowly pull away from the plans they had for their lives and slowly start to trust that God’s ways are better, will lead to more freedom, and more joy.  All of the suffering of this world are at the hands of a merciful God.   We have a God who understands, has felt the pains, sorrows, and circumstances of a fallen world, through his son Jesus.  May we not forget we have an empathetic high priest who is more connected to us and our sorrows than we know. 

With tears and trust we walk through this life.  With tears and trust we take on each new day. With tears and trust we continue to live.   With tears and with trust we let go of our children. With tears and with trust we let go of our dreams.  With tears and with trust we let go of our plans.  With tears and with trust we let go of our lives. 

“God certainly is capable of making this thing work out for our good, and what is really cool is that sometimes He peaks around the corner and says a sentence or two of the next chapter, just enough to remind us that He is still writing, and will get back to us soon, and enough to keep us interested, and believing that it’s worth the read and the wait.”    -CJ Bergmen