I will not destroy you

How can I give you up, O Ephraim (James)?

How can I hand you over, O Israel (James)?

How can I make you like Admah?

How can I treat you like Zeboiim?

My heart recoils within me;

my compassion grows warm and tender.

I will not execute my burning anger;

I will not again destroy Ephraim (you);

for I am God and not a man,

the Holy One in your midst, 

and I will not come in wrath.

Hosea 11:8-9

My Way

I can't help but think of myself and my relationship/view of God when I see these emotions appear on my daughters face.  I had just gotten done changing her diaper and she was wanting to feed, but she didn't know that was to come, that it would take place in minutes, so she cried and made this face.  I seem to do the same with God.  I don't like what is going on, I can't see what He is doing, I have no idea that this step needs to take place before the next, so I stick out my lip and pout.  I cry, I want my way.  I'm think I know what I need, I know what is best. So much of this has become apparent to me once I became a father and took care of my little one.  I know what she needs, and I'll do everything to make sure she gets it.  I know what is best, I know what will be better.  

Lord help me in my unbelief.  Help me trust you and your ways, your process, your timing, your plan.  

JTH

8/6/09

I'm tired, very tired.  I haven't slept in my own bed for the last two months.  I haven't slept in the same bed as my wife for the last two months.  I've slept on air mattresses, trundle beds and couches.  My six week old baby girl, has never slept in her own crib, her own room, with her own things.  I lost my job over three weeks ago.  I never thought that I would be 28 and in this situation.  Confused, scared, worried, fearful, overwhelmed, and wanting to know what the future has for me, has for my family.  How will this play out, how will my thoughts look two weeks, two months, two years from now.  The days are hard, everyday has it's moments.  The time when I'm with Ashley it's better, when I'm looking for a job, it gets overwhelming.  I don't have much direction on what it is that I want to do, the business world can be so vague.  I'm afraid to say what I truly think I can do because I haven't had much affirmation on the subject.  I struggle with my age and thinking I need someone older than me to tell me I can do it, that I'm capable.  I'm scared I'll let that stand in the way, that I'll give in, that I'll settle.  

This isn't the first time that these feelings have come across my mind, heart, soul, and body.  I've felt the fear, the worry, the hopelessness of "how" it will all work before.  I've felt what it was like to try and make things happen, when God wants me to wait.  I've struggled with how to handle my despair, how to fight, how to surrender, how to wake up, how to talk to myself, how to be real with what I'm feeling, what I'm seeing.  I have knots in my stomach, my appetite is gone, my heart hurts, I keep sighing, I need sleep, its hot here in phoenix.