Painful, Beautiful.....and Free

It amazes me every time in my life where I find myself in the same place as I did several months before.  I swear I have the shortest memory of the things that I wish were on the forefront of my mind.  Yet the feelings and emotions that can cause such pain seem to creep their way back into my life constantly.  I find my self falling to the same despair that is caused by most of the same situations.  An event in my life that looks too hard to handle, to crazy to tame, or too costly to decide on.  I hate making decisions, for I fear that I'll make the wrong one.  I don't tend to walk around with much confidence in my Christ, let alone my self anymore.  I've pretty much given up on trusting myself, but haven't passed the flame on to my heavenly Father.  I don't trust him like I know I should, or trust him like I want to.  I can see know why youth pastors and pastors alike encourage you to read your bible.  It truly is the greatest thing I can put in my head.  That we are infected by the fall of man, and are saved by Christ.  I've become so aware of my evil heart, my selfishness, and my lack of trust in the only one who is trustworthy.  I have a past of self confidence that would challenge some of the great sinners of our day.  I've fallen prey to the dangers of thinking I don't need anyone, believing I alone have what it takes, and that in me alone is something worth paying attention to.  I've also fallen to the deception of self saving salvation, which isn't salvation at all, for how can someone who needs to be saved save themselves.  I've believed the lie that it was possible, or even the way it was supposed to be.  I've given in to thinking that this life was about my success, my place in history, and that outside of Christ I had the power to conquer anything this world had to offer.  The worst of all, I found a sense of pride in myself that would make Muhammad Ali look like Mother Teresa.  You might not have seen it, but if you only new what I thought I was capable of.  None of this was by the power of the Spirit, it was all self ordained, self made, and led to self destruction.  That is where I find myself at 27 a few month away from 28.  I've come to the end of my own rope, I've admitted that my plan was only worthy of crumpling up and throwing in the trash.  I've acknowledged that I'm in need of something greater than myself.  That I needed Jesus just as much if not more than the prostitute and the tax collector.  I had to be saved, for I can't save myself.  That none of my deeds are worthy of being called anything but filthy rags, and that without the death of Christ I was bound for hell.  

It's interesting to me because, I feel like I've started over on maturing, learning, walking, crawling.  It's like I'm being raised by Christ himself.  God is training me in truth, the way a parent never could.   I'm learning about myself, my real self.  Not the one that I wanted to be, or worked towards being, but the one that I truly am.  For the first time in my life I feel like I'm honest with myself and my life.  For the first time I feel like I can actually be real with myself.  I thought I had to live up to something, act like something I'm not.  It's like God is sitting me down and pulling out a picture of me and saying this is you.  This is your heart.  This is the reason I came to die.  This is what I want to get rid of in you.  This is who you really are.  This is the heart that I created you to have.  Yeah, it's been infected by the world, it's been broken, and it's been overused, but this is what I see in you.  This is the life I want you to live.  I know you had a plan for your life, but you always choose what leads to destruction, you won't choose anything but that JT.  I used to think that God was mad at me.  That he wanted me to suffer, that he wanted me to feel pain.  But I'm coming to realize that he might let me feel pain for the sake of my maturity, the way a father punishes a kid even though it doesn't make sense to the kid, the father understands, but the kid just sees it as pain.  What looks so unloving is the most loving thing he could do.  

So I feel like there is lots of breaking that needs to happen.  Lots of things that need to be annihilated from my life.  It's like the difference between David and King Saul.  David trusted the very outcome to Christ.  He didn't move a finger when it came to taking the thrown from Saul.  He trusted that if God had ordained it for him to lead Israel, then he would led, but not under his own terms, but the terms of Christ.  David seemed to know the wickedness of his heart and if he relied on it, it would probably lead him astray. So he did what I find so terribly hard to do.  He did nothing.  He waited, and waited and waited.  Even though he was told he would take that position someday, he didn't force it.  He didn't listen to others who told him they needed him on the thrown.  Even when people called him crazy, even when he was wanted dead by the man whom he would replace.  He trusted the power of the Lord like so few people do.  He had opportunity after opportunity to do what the Lord had destined him to do, but it would have been under his power, his timing, and his strength.  He waited for the Lord to move.  He waited for God to open doors, remove walls, and be the instrument that got David where he told him he would be.  What restraint on David's part, what trust, what submission, what denial of self, and even that ability was given by God.  There was great purpose in what David had to go through.  Nothing that God takes us through is wasted.  He uses every tear, every ounce of fear, every step, to annihilate the King Saul that lives in us all.  Without this sort of trial, pain and suffering, David was on his way to becoming just like the one he despised.  He was on his was to King Saul the II.  We all have King Saul running through our veins.  We are all so full of self righteousness, and denial of needing anything superior to ourselves, we all think we know what is best, and act according to our own self destructed plan.  God wants nothing but our good and knows if we follow something that is tainted with sin, it's bound to lead to worse pain than the pain he is about to take us through.  David accepted his fate.  He embraced the cruel circumstances.  He lifted no hand nor offered resistance. Nor did he grandstand his piety.  Silently, privately, he bore the crucible of humiliation.  Because of this he was deeply wounded.  His whole inner being was mutilated.  His personality was altered. When the gore was over, David was barely recognizable.  

Most people will do anything to help you create your own kingdom.  But God doesn't want the Saul in us to survive.  He'll go to such extreme measures that he will accept the fact that you might raise your fist to him, doubt him, and deny he knows what he is doing.  It really doesn't matter that it doesn't make sense to us.  David didn't know this as his pre King days.  For all he knew this could be his position forever.  His suffering brought a sense of humility that successes never breed.  "By earthly measures he was a shattered man; by heaven's measure, a broken one"

Too many times we take on a view of exterior rather than interior. We pray for the power of the holy spirit to conquer our enemies, but rarely pray for power to conquer the enemy within.  The enemy that causes more destruction than any exterior power can.  For the exterior power may kill you, but the interior power can keep you from seeing the saving grace of Christ and ultimately cause true death, an eternal life separated from Christ. Many pray for the power of God.  More and more every year.  Those prayers sound powerful, sincere, godly, and without ulterior motive.  Hidden under such prayer and fervor, however, are ambition, a craving for fame, the desire to be considered a spiritual giant.  The person who prays such a prayer may not even know it, but dark motives and desires are in his heart...in your heart.   Prayer for external power leaves out the most important part.  It fails to get to the root of the issue.  The issue is your wicked heart.  Few ever let God deal with the monster inside.  Yet they pray whole heartedly for their exterior circumstances to change when all God wants to do is slay the dragon.  For our exterior circumstances can change, while our interior man remain the same.

I tend to do the latter than the earlier.  I tend to focus a lot on my exterior circumstances and deny the fact that my wicked heart can cause way more problems in my life than any exterior circumstance ever could.  My wicked heart is what keeps me from trusting Jesus, keeps me from joy, and ultimately can lead me to a very unhappy life.  I trust that God is all about my joy, all about my freedom, all about me finding life, true life.  I tend to think that someday I'll come up with a plan that is good enough for God's approval.  This will work right? This is what you want right?  Oh you of so little faith.  The work is done, saving work that is.  The work that made it possible for me to be changed.  For me to be saved.  For me to see life through a different set of lenses.  That work has been done.  But the work that must be done in me is still so fresh, my wounds feel open and sore, my heart feels like I can't take anymore moments like these.  I don't know that the pain will ever be enjoyable, but when I step back and see the work that God has done through the pain, the tears, and the wounds I speak a little differently.  It's not my strength that God wants, it's not my power, it's not my plan.  He wants my brokenness, my weakness, and my submission.  He is preparing me for great things, I just don't know what those things are.  They will look awfully different than anything I could dream up, but better, much better.  Fuller, more free, more life giving, more joy finding, than any plan of my could ever create.  I don't want it if God doesn't want it.  I want to be obedient to his plan, and his will for my life.  Help me Father to trust your will and design for my life.  Help me to submit to you and repent of the many times I will fail to trust you with what you're doing.  Help me to stop trying to take my own well being into my own hands, for I will never be able to foresee what you're doing. Rise or fall, whatever your plan, I want to submit to your will not mine.        

"Can you stop it hurts when you push on that part of me I'm scared of.......better yet pursue my brokenness to the end of it."  --CJ Bergmen

Italics from the book titled "A Tale Of Three Kings"  written by Gene Edwards

What a difference a day makes

Life is very interesting for me right now. I seemed to have been taken on a ride lately by God, by his sovereignty and affections for me. This time period of my life (1 year) has gone by so fast, seen lots of heartache, and left me speechless. I'm sitting at my computer in what is now my home office, that actually gets used as a home office, because I now work from home. Just a year ago, I was getting up everyday scared I wouldn't wade up on time, trying my best to teach a generation of students that don't make that process easy, carrying my teaching "tools" around with me because I didn't have a room I could call my own (they call it "floating" in the teaching world). I was preparing for two different subjects, overwhelmed with angst and fearful that an administrator was going to walk in my room and not like what they saw. ( I have a problem with superiority, a little too much of a people pleaser.) I fought constantly with my administration on views, stances, and questioned their ability and paycheck. I was called into the principles office 5 times, and once told to not speak up at meetings. My teaching ability was questioned and also my beliefs, although they lined up with every other teacher in the building. One thing was for certain, I felt like I was in the wrong place, not using my God given abilities to the extent that He wanted them to be used. Something just didn't feel right. I went an entire year, ready to go home the moment I got there, I started to question my own abilities that a year ago were highly praised. I got very aggressive in talking behind the backs of the administrators, and constantly complained to my colleagues. I even started to feel like I was one of the teachers that students hated and didn't want to remember. The impact I seemed to have the first year was fading fast. For whatever reason, I wanted out, but I didn't know what that would look like. I felt stuck and was looking at my life 20 years from now still teaching, for what else would I do?

Back to my home office. I work from home, love my job, create my own agenda, and get to see my wife everyday, all day. I feel it comes naturally ( I know what you may think, of course it does you get to work from home), I really feel my God given abilities are being used. For some reason I created my abilities for my old job. I took a very self righteous view of my self and my stances and tried to encourage students to view things the same way. I didn't have room for differences or the grace that's need to teach the youth of our generation. I thought I did, but I fell very short. The business world seems to fit me better. I guess getting a business degree wasn't a mistake after all. Maybe God was behind my choices in taking business classes, I just never saw how it would work, and had the trust in myself, which is the wrong place to have it, so I got scared and just fell into teaching, for I watched my dad do it my whole life (I'm supposed to be like dad, right?)

Life is just very interesting right now. Let me see if I can explain. For so long in my life sports, school, girls, whatever came easy. If I wanted it I got it, if it was attainable, I"ll run through the brick wall to get it, nothing was going to stand in my way. I didn't have cent of humility, just the kind you create yourself because you don't want others to think you're in love with yourself, the worst kind of all in my opinion, excessive lack of humility. Really, i just felt like everything was up to me. My success, my life, my dreams, anything. I had control. Therefore, being successful at such a young age, I took a lot of pride on where I ended up. I worked for all those awards, I worked harder than anyone else, I did they didn't, end of story. I look at this and laugh now at how immature and childish this sounds. But that all came crashing down like a ton of bricks and yes I mean a "ton" of brick, maybe two tons. The pain was excruciating and life altering, and at times so unbearable I wanted to end my life. For I found out the hard way, that that wasn't true at all. Thank God for his grace and sovereignty.

My new job came out of nowhere, I didn't have single thing to do with and that is why I love this story so much. I couldn't take credit for it if I wanted to? It's just not possible. God laid this on my lap and said here. This is what I've created you for, this is the work that I want you to do, this is how I want you to bring glory to my name, this is how I want to bless you, this is how I want to shape you, this is how I want to use you in this world. Everyday, I wake up thanking the Lord for what he has blessed me with in the work of my hands. I enjoy this stuff so much, because I feel I can, because it was given to me. It's a gift. I didn't give it to my self, I didn't even ask for it. Every time I talk about my job, I feel different than when I talked about my athletic ability (although I know he gave that to me also, I took a lot, okay, all the ownership for it) I don't become prideful, I actually become humbled. I know it sounds too good to be true, I know it's a job most guys would want, I know. Not that I make the job the idol, but I certainly am going to point to the one who gave it to me. I don't know what God has in store for me with this job. I just got an email today about possibly moving out to San Francisco....what???? I never thought it would look like this, that God could be this generous and this good. But one thing is for sure, the light points to him, He gave this to me, i don't deserve it, nor can I take credit for it. I live everyday thankful for his grace in this area with my job, thankful that he chose to bless me.

It's just different when you realize he is in control and you let him take over, really you just trust what he is doing, how he is working, how he wants to bring glory to his name through you.....I know.....I pray I say the same things even if it all tanks and it "looks" bad. God help me.

JTH

God Loves Sinners

The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.'' - 1 Timothy 1:15

"I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners." Mark 2:17

"Christianity is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for Saints." - Tim Keller

Strange Comfort

Job 38-40:6

I read this the other day when I was upset about some things that were going on in my life. The kind of things I wish weren't happening, or I didn't have to go through. Then I read this. For some reason, it brings me comfort. God has a way of putting Job in his place, letting us know sometimes we don't get to talk. We just need to put our hand over our mouth and shut up. Not easy.

Honesty/Humility

Yesterday was a rough day. I checked my email in the morning and saw an email from a friend who was asking for prayer because he fell into a sin that he has been struggling with. He's in the middle of the battle where the mind seems to take over at times and it looks hopeless. As my heart went out to him and I started to pray, I was flooded with what has taken place in my life, as well as those who I run with. Another friend of mine found out that their father is in stage three of cancer and his drinking and smoking have finally caught up with him. Another close relative is going through a foreclosure on a significant land transaction that fell through.  My best friend is going in for a check up on their unborn baby and trying to prepare for the worst as they have had three miscarriages already. He is struggling to find joy and peace when all they have had loss and heartache. My mother wrote us today and told us about my grandfather and his pain that he is experiencing. He also has cancer and is about to go through radiation at the age of 73 and needs the 24/7 attention from my grandmother, bless her soul. There have been tears and sorrow as we prepare for the worst. Then my wife comes home from work and tells me that she started bleeding. We found out six weeks ago that we're pregnant, and now there is fear of miscarriage. We have had family and friends experience several miscarriages, we just hoped we wouldn't be added to the list. All of this and I'm sitting here waiting on a job. I haven't been working for four months and it's starting to take it's toll. I'm getting restless and fearful I'll have to wait longer, or that it won't work out at all and I'll have to get a job doing who knows what.

This is all overwhelming. I just started to cry as I thought about the pain that God's people go through. There are a lot of times when life is just hard, really hard. There is no perfect answer, nothing can take the pain away, things seem to just go really bad. And then I remember that we have a God who loves us, a God who is on our side, a God who cares about his people, and although allows it to happen, is right in the middle of it all with us. Where do people turn that don't know the Savior? Where do they go in times like these. It's hard enough being a child of the King, I'm so blessed to know that He is in control and this is part of his sovereign plan. I got some great advice from a friend:  it's a combination of honesty/humility that we need to come with before the King. Honesty that this hurts, honesty that we don't like it, honesty that he could change the situation, asking for it to work, but also being humble enough to accept what God delivers, accepting the way it turns out. Accept the life God has written for me before the beginning of time, has great purpose.  And ask for grace needed to do so. Jesus gave the prime example for this right before his death:

And he came out and went, as was his custom, to the Mount of Olives, and the disciples followed him. And when he came to the place, he said to them, "Pray that you may not enter into temptation." And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done." And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground. Luke 22:39-44

JTH

Satisfaction

I was laying in bed last night thinking about something that I have heard these past few years in church, and in most of the books I read. (John Piper, Randy Alcorn). Nothing in this life will satisfy you. Nothing. I remember hearing this for the first time while I was in college at The University of South Alabama. Our college minister, Shane Black, talked one night about how nothing satisfies. I was in the middle of my college baseball career that was headed down a rough road and watching my childhood dreams slowly being crushed. Something hit me and for some reason God used that in my life and still does. It never fails that God usually reveals something to me and then it takes about 5-10 years for me to get it. (Oh, that's what he means) I just like anyone else still to this day struggle with the belief that something in my life will bring me some sort of happiness, something this world has to offer will "satisfy" me. Even when I know nothing will, when push comes to shove, and I am living my life, not typing on a computer, I tend to fall back into the sin and disbelief that this world has something to offer me. Proverbs 26:11 –Like a dog that returns to its vomit Is a fool who repeats his folly. There are quite a few times in my life that I have experienced great success or what the world would call pivitol points in ones life. Going from High School to collge, now if I can just get that scholarship, then professional ball, then degree, then masters, then the right job, then if I could just get married, then children, then start of over doing that same thing through my own children. Then on a more personal level of success. Winning the high school baseball championship. Personal success and acolades, all-star teams, newspaper clippings, all-district teams, and school records. The funny thing is I was never satisfied. If I achieved it, I wanted more. I wanted the next level. None of it ever was what I though it was going to be. The excitement, if there was any, was so short lived. Fleeting, fading, non-existant.

I've grown to realize that this is exactly what our culture does, Christians not excused. We set up our lives in such a way that we truly are seeking happiness, but trying to get it fulfilled by things that can't do the job. Have you ever wondered why celebrities take on more jobs when it seems like they have three already? Why they have to have more than one motorcycle, car, house, etc... Why they have to dabble in every form of entertainment ( singing, acting, producing, writing, television, films). Why people kill themselves when they are healthy, successful, and have more money than what they know to do with. Why do guys like Brett Farve, Michael Jordan, Lance Armstrong, George Foreman, Roger Clemens, Bob Cousy, Mario Lemieux, and Sugar Ray Leonard come out of retirement for more? I think I know, because I feel it on a much smaller level. They have gone to the top, success was there's yet it didn't seem to be enough. Where do you go from the top with this incorrect view? My main concern here is the way we raise our children. When it comes to our kids, why do we push them in the areas we do. Sure all parents want their kids to be happy. We are wired that way as people, God created us to seek happiness and be satisfied. As believers we all know that the only true happiness and joy comes from God and his kingdom. So why do we encourage our kids, push our kids, force our kids into some of the things we do. I believe most of this comes from what we call "extra curricular activities." Sports, dance, band, etc...Why do we encourage our kids or hope our kids do well and spend their whole lives chasing after this things that won't give them eternal happiness. Sure it can be exciting, you learn great lessons through these avenues, but don't you think most of the heart ache could have been avoided if we taugh our kids how to view this stuff. How to not make it the end goal. For if they were to get there, how despressing a life would it be. You encouraged your child to seek happiness in something it will never find happiness in. It didn't work for you, why do you think it will work for them? What if we taught our kids from the beginning what will bring them happiness in this life and the next? What if we taught them that it will look completely opposite to what the culture tells them? What if we told them that it's all very tempting and many times they will fall to the temptation? What if we lived our lives in such a way that they saw an example of this in our relationships, in the home, in our bank account, and in our speech? What if they saw us fall to the temptations of world and saw us repent and ask Christ to show us the true treasure again? What if they were able to enjoy their talents, know who they came from, but not make it the most important thing about them? I pray for my own family and someday my own children, that most of all when they remember the teachings of their earthly father, that not only in my words, but mainly in my actions, they will see a father who points them to true happiness, true satisfaction. In Christ alone.

Recovery

What I have learned from my recovery program that I have gone through:

1. Nothing good comes out of us apart from Christ--The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick; who can understand it. Jeremiah 17:9
2. We are not capable of judging fairly--
3. Our "good" things don't go on our inventory--
4. All sin comes from my trying to take what I believe is mine and not relying on God to give it to me or not give it to me.
   
5. The closer I get to God, the dirtier I become--
6. God came to bring us out of the shame and guilt
7. God died to shed light into the dark areas of my life
8. It is our human nature to try and hide our sins--God came so we don't have to
9. Hiding is saying God died for nothing
10. We don't clean ourselves up before we come to Christ, we come broken and sinful, he takes care of the cleaning.
11. Any cleaning we try to do ourselves is short lived, insane (I am the one who got myself into this mess, how am I going to get myself out), I'm acting like I'm God-and I'm not, keeps me from growth, keeps me from healing.
12. I need to learn to repent well-it becomes a life long exercise
13. We weren't designed to handle the sin of this world on our own. We were given each other to come together to fight, pray, encourage, stand next to. Jesus' ministry was never done alone. He sent the disciples out in pairs. We shouldn't try to fight the things of this world on our own. We have the body for a reason.
14. Now we fill our lives with the things that stir our affections for the father. Whatever we fill ourselves with will ultimately control us. Eph. 5:18-Be filled with the Spirit-the fruit of the spirit. What do you fill yourself with...money-greed, food-gluttony, adoration of man/women; when your speaking well of me-people,
    
15. Greatest tragedy that man has ever know-in the garden-man chose to go about it alone-independent of Christ.
16. You have to know Christ in order to enjoy him and reflect him. Matt 7:21-23--Col. 2
17. God is more concerned with my heart than with the outward behavior. Matt 15:8--its not to check boxes
18. He is the source of all joy pleasure and peace. Treasure in a field
19. You can't rest on what you did yesterday Matt 6:9-13 It's a daily self examination
    

You're Going To Be A DADDY!!

I woke up this morning to your mother wearing a T-shirt that said in big letters, “You're going to be a DADDY” What a beautiful moment in my life to think that I get to be apart of the raising of God’s people. That God wants me to be an instrumental part of your life.  Sometimes it’s hard to believe that it’s really here that in 9 months I’ll be a dad. I look forward to being your father, to being the window into what this world is all about. I humbly take on the role of your father. I know the responsibility that God has placed on men and the fact that I will have a lot to do with the way you see our Savior. It’s scary yet a challenge that I will take on only by the power of the Lamb. The only reason that I will be able to be any sort of father that you would want to emulate someday, will be because of the goodness and sovereignty of Christ. If you see Christ in me at all it’s because he’s been work in my life. All good things come from him, I’m not capable of anything good on my own. What a road we have ahead of us. I apologize now for the moments when I won’t be who you want me to be. I’m not capable of fulfilling the wedge that we as humans were created with. Only the love of your heavenly father can do such a thing. Your mother and I are beyond happy to step into this journey with you. If anything I hope you get your mother’s freedom. Her free spirit that finds the joys in this world. But most of all I hope you understand one thing. God loves you. Oh how he loves you. I pray that someday he comes and takes your soul and lets you into the blessed kingdom. To experience the love of your heavenly father, the intimacies of this life. The depth of life that he wants to show you is far greater than anything this life has to offer. This is my prayer for you this night on finding out your conception:

Father,

What a beautiful thing Ashley and I are about to embark on. We get to be apart of raising your people. What a privilege. I pray for Ashley and her body and that you let her be a place for the baby to grow, to start to form its legs and arms and ears and eyes. Most of all father I pray you take this babies soul. I pray you rescue it from a life without you. I pray you give it real life, eternal life. A life that I’m not capable of giving, only you. I pray to be the kind of father that shows them how wonderful and immeasurable your love is for them. The love that I have come to understand is so beautiful. I pray you help me when it’s hard, when I don’t know what to do, or when I feel like a failure. I pray for the strength to discipline, even when it’s rough. Even when I may not want to, let me not fail at this. Help me to find their strengths and tell them where they came from. Help me to be an example of your love. Help me to be a servant. To be humble before them. To be honest about my own faults and failures. To show where the blood was shed for me. May they never see me as perfect, for I’m not. But may they see a father who deeply loves you and wants to be a man after your own heart. A man who hears his father’s voice and goes where he is called to go. When they see me fail them, give me the courage and humility to ask for their forgiveness. May they see me fall deeper and deeper in love with their mother. May they see me serve her, love her, and kiss her. May our house be a house filled with laughter and a place of grace. Give us the ability to trust you even when it doesn’t look promising. May we be a house where we remember the times you shined through the darkness.

New life father, what a beautiful thing, from my flesh, from my own blood, you give us new life. I pray I fall more in love with you Lord. That through the birth of my children I see how much you love me, how great your love is for your children. May I never crush the childlikeness in my little ones, but may I encourage them to maturity. To a life of deep intimacy with those around them and especially with you. I pray they slow down and see the depths of life. I pray they notice the way you scatter the clouds in the sky every day. The wonderful taste of food and drink. The way no two sunsets are the same. The way the ocean waters crash on the shore or the crickets chirp in the darkness of the night. May they see what you see and love what you love. I pray they take their mother’s love for people and run with it. Her care free spirit and love of life. Father so much of this will be hard, so much of this will look impossible, but give me the strength to be a good father. May all that we do be for your glory and your kingdom, but may we swim in the joy that your death brings, the freedom, the abundant life, the passion for you and for each other. May I lead our home as you lead your people, with great love, passion, and humility. Bless this home father. I love you.

Amen

Reassurance

Ashley and I just got back from a small vacation in my home state of California. We traveled all around Northern California and I was reminded just how beautiful it is. We went to see the redwoods in Muir Woods which is right by San Francisco, and also traveled to the east to Yosemite and was again amazed at God's creation. As we were standing dwarfed by these massive redwood trees that were hundreds of years old, that have withstood all the elements, that are so big you can stand inside one, and some that have been around before Columbus set sail in 1492. I looked at my wife and said, "How could I not trust him? How could I not believe he won't take care of me? How could I not believe he is in control of all things, yes even my job" I have been waiting on a job right now and waiting on God to provide. It's not easy, there has been a great peace and then there has been doubts and fear. God does seem to help me along day by day and remind me that He has everything under control. I just never thought that a tree would remind me about his sovereignty. How cool is that.

Far To Easily Pleased

"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

C.S. Lewis-The Weight of Glory

Out of Breath

When it comes to running any sort of race, any sort of distance, once the race is over one thing is for sure. Your breathing gets faster, your heart rate increases, your body become warmer, your chest starts to hurt, and your body start to tire. It's funny to hear what most people say right after they get done running; "I"m so out of shape!" Now this may be true for many people, but even those that have been training for a marathon, or the Olympics, still have to go through the pains that any sort of running is sure to bring on. What any runner knows though is that the quicker you recover, proves how good of shape you're in. The faster your body comes back to normal the better shape you're in. If it takes you a long time to regain your breath, and slow your heart rate the worse shape you're in. I believe we can compare this to our life with Christ.

Because of our problem with sin, Christ's design of sanctification, and the fact that we will never come to perfection here on earth, we will continually struggle, continually have to seek forgiveness, continually get out of "breath" and continually have to trust that Christ will carry us further along in life. As I grow in age, and maturity and walk down this road of life with Christ, He is continually sanctifying me and bringing me to know him deeper with more intimacy. I learn to trust him more, see him more, love him more, and wait upon him with more patience. Therefore, I'm in better "shape" than I was when this journey first started. I used to think that salvation was a one time deal. You said the words, accepted Christ and then you were transformed into a christian "Batman" stopping evil in your life and the lives of others. I was completely wrong. Salvation is not the end, it is the beginning of this journey with Christ. Just like training for a marathon, it hurts, it's not fun, it takes time, it takes commitment, it takes discipline, it's a process. But in the end the process will be worth it. You may win some events along the way, you may lose some, but all the while your improving, you're growing, you're being sanctified. Your focus becomes different. Things that used to matter don't matter anymore, you become committed to the goal, committed to the prize, you want to win. (1 Corinthians 9:24-27) (Only Through Christ's Strength, his doing not ours)

So maybe it shouldn't freak me out when I get out of "breath" sometimes. Maybe I should be paying attention to how quickly I regain my strength, how quickly my breathing comes back to normal, and how quickly I let go of the things that don't help me run the race. But just ask any Olympic athlete, it doesn't happen over night. It takes years upon years of work and dedication. And as believers we have a God who miraculously works out all things in us and through us. (Philippians 1:6) He is the one who will carry out the work. With trust and faith in him, He will bring us along this path and Lord willing we will be able to look back and see that we're in better "shape" than we ever thought we would be.

Heaven and Hell

"The best of life on Earth is a glimpse of Heaven; the worst of life is a glimpse of Hell. For Christians, this present life is the closest they will come to Hell. For unbelievers, it is the closest they will come to Heaven."

-Heaven by Randy Alcorn

True Repentance

In one of my class, I was taught the difference between true repentance vs. false repentance. It intrigued me about the difference between the two.

True Repentance
Vertical
God/Others Centered
Spiritual
Perseverance
Hopeful/Regretful
Willingness to Go to any length
Active
Humility
Responsibility
Unworthy


False Repentance
Horizontal
Self focused
Emotional
Temporary
Hopeless
Demanding
Passive
Prideful
Angry
Blames
Justifies
Minimizes


2 Corinthians 7:10 For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.

JTH

Fear

I often wonder how much of my life is run by fear. I "fear" too much, if not all of my life is run by it. I try to think back to decisions made, decisions not made, sleepless nights, anxiety over small stuff, large stuff, stuff I even knew was completely out of my control, but still fear. Not the kind of fear that Christ asks of us in Proverbs 1, the reverent fear, the good fear. It's the fear that comes from a broken sinful human that thinks that everything is left up to him. I often laugh at people who knock on wood, won't walk under ladders, kiss the crucifix that hangs from their neck, say they were "lucky", but how often my life is lived like this inside my heart and mind. I might have conquered the exterior proof of my fear, but oh how it runs rampant in my heart. "Oh you of little faith." I can relate to Peter trying to walk on the water, Abraham trying to convince Abimelech that Sarah was his sister, Abraham again trying to fulfill Gods plan on his own terms in having sex with Hagar, some of the disciples who walked with Jesus, watched the miracles, were there for the death and resurrection, and watched him ascend into heaven and still some doubted.

I seem to be more like these people than say someone like Job, who experienced far greater time of possible "fear" than I ever will (Lord willing). How often my mind is stuck in future days, days of worry about how it will all work out. How in the world will this or that be taken care of. It looks so futile to my human brain. Absolutely impossible. I completely miss out on life. The abundant life (John 10:10). The experiences of right now, the location I am currently in, the job, the age, the time, the season, the friends, etc...How often we want something different, complain about where we are and think something from creation can fix this spiritual problem within us. For me it all boils down to control. I think I have it, but I don't. I live my life for it, but know what would happen if it was really left up to me. I confess, I surrender the control over to God, but oh how quickly I snatch it back when the next event of life comes crashing down. I miss the conversations, the moments where Christ is pouring his love out on me, the small things in life, because I'm so consumed by how it will all work out.



So then my question is why? Why do I not trust, not surrender, let go, give up control. This is what I'm realizing about myself. First I'm under the fall of man--Thanks Adam. To be honest a lot of the gospel, okay the whole thing, sounds too good to be true. To further state why my brain tends to struggle with this is because everything is opposite of this truth in the world. From day one as kids we are taught that your life is in your hands, make out of it what you want, but you are in control. So much doing, no talk of trusting, no talk of living in the Spirit (of course I'm only talking about God's chosen people, for outside of his choosing you can't live within the Spirit). We feed the machine, especially here in America where it's in the core of who we are as people. No thought of living outside yourself, that it's not about you, and you were made for a greater purpose. We don't trust his promise that he is able to do immeasurably (can't measure it) more than we could ever ask or imagine. I can't even in my human state think up or imagine how good it could be. (Eph. 3:14-21).



I continually think God is not on my side and that he loves some future version of me. You know the person that you try to become or create so that you can come into his presences. The Pharisaical mindset that you have that sort of control, that sort of ability. That sort of mindset that totally denies the need for a savior, because you are your own. So easy to disagree with, but so hard to live out. I've even at times fallen into such a lie about worry that I feel I have to worry. That it is part of "my part" that we Christians think we have. It validates my involvement in the whole thing. My worry shows that I care, shows that I'm not taking to much, liking to much of where I'm at, because after all it's not about the joys of this life, right. (I know it even sounds stupid, but true.--God help me)



I'm slowing learning what it is to trust Christ. I completely believe that he is in control of my life that he is sovereign over ALL areas of my life. That nothing good that we have or do originates with us, it all comes from the hand of God. He chose me from the beginning, and he will carry out the work until completion. It's just this process of sanctification that isn't fun. It hurts to see how little faith I have in my creator. But he does love me anyways, I can't do anything to change that. How amazing it is, what a beautiful story.



The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!" Luke 17:5

Incredible Grace

I was out in the yard today cutting down a bush that had started to overtake our house. I was struck by one of the things that God has revealed to me. I have thought about this before but was overwhelmed today with the thought of God's incredible grace he has for all people. We were cursed as men to toil the earth and pick weeds. (Genesis). Since the fall of man even the earth has been growning for everything to be put back as it once was. I was working out in the yard and was realizing that there is still a lot of times that I enjoy mowing the grass, pruning trees, pulling the weeds so that the garden looks great. I just think that it is amazing that God lets us have joy, enjoy the thing that he put under a curse, it just proves his incredible grace that he shows us on a daily basis. I know there are many more times that he shows us his love, his grace, with things that are terrible or tragic for some. For instance, when a storm hits and trees are blown down, and fences break, it provides jobs for some at a moments notice. Tragedy hits and money is put in the bank. Then just the common grace that he gives to all people, even those that don't know him and never will. He is full of so much joy and love that he spills over with so much more grace than what we deserve. When what we deserve is destruction and pain, solice, and joylessness, he gives us so much more than we deserve.

Brood of Vipers

There are times in my life when I fear that I fall too much upon my own morals and my own ways. For some reason I feel like I have enough of "it" in me to do it on my own. I'm not sure why, but I'm sure it has to do with the way my life turned out. The crazy thing is that God planned all of it this way. Lately I have gone through a lot, mentally, spiritually, financially. Lots of fear has come along with them too. I'm not sure why, I guess it has to do with my thoughts that I can do it by myself, or muster up enough power to come through. In Luke 3 John the Baptist is talking to a bunch of Jews telling them that they needed to repent and ask for forgiveness and be baptized. The thing was though, that Jews didn't think they had to be baptized or repent. They believed that because they had the Jewish heritage along with the following the law (good works) they were okay. But here is John the Baptist, calling them a brood of vipers, telling them they needed repentance. 7He said therefore to the crowds that came out to be baptized by him, "You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? 8Bear fruits in keeping with repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham as our father.' For I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham. 9Even now the axe is laid to the root of the trees. Every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire." I fear sometimes that I'm just like these Jews. I rely on my heritage (upbringing), and my good works (perfectionist) to make peace with God. If I do enough good, act well enough, do what I believe to be the right thing to do, then I must be doing well. I must be living according to the Christian will. I really struggle with the fact that the alter is closed. That my works are like filthy rags, and that I can never do any work that will get me into the gates of heaven. Why does it seem that so much of my life is set up that way then? What causes me to revert to this thought process? 12Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. 

The one thing that I struggle with right now is that God is trying to lead me to joy. But for some reason, I believe joy is found in other ways. My sin is carrying me over and over to a dry well and Christ is standing there with the freshest water to drink. How long will I take? How much sin does Christ have to remove? When will I start to experience this joy Christ talks about more so than not? How much patience do I need to endure? When will I quit trying to prove something to God? When will I just accept his gift and receive the joy that he talks about. I seem to want the glory more than the joy, or think that the joy can't be had, it must be hard right? It has to be, right? I have to do my part of the tough stuff? Where is that easy yoke and that light burden? Maybe this is what it takes? Maybe this is God's way of working out my salvation? It sure is hard...  

JTH