Communion

Tears filled my eyes as I looked down at the bread and the little plastic cup I held in my hand.  To some it looks funny, and maybe weird, but to me it brought me great joy.  It's the tradition of the church to remember the body of Christ and his death on the cross and his blood spilled, the cup, for the sins of his people.  I have done this several times in my life, but last night it hit me differently.  I really don't remember a time in my life where the cup passed me.  Where the bread didn't mean something to me.  Although I've been very vocal about my struggle with the church and my frustrations with some of it's teachings, I can't deny the incredible amount of grace that God has had on me in my life.  The sorrow, the pain, the frustration that he has kept me from.  I don't have the stories that some do.  I don't know what life is like without the Holy Spirit.  I was too young to remember it.  Yes, sanctification is difficult at times, but that is not God's fault, it's mine.  It's my sin that is the problem.  

So I take this moment to thank God for his church, his body, and his blood.  He has never done me wrong.  He has never steered me in the wrong direction.  He has always been far better to me than I deserve or would have been to myself.  He is all about my true joy and satisfaction and will stop at nothing to give that to me.  Thank you Jesus for your death.  Thank you for your imparting of righteousness to me.  Thank you that sitting in church isn't weird to me.  It's very comfortable.  Thank you for giving me parents that believe in you and did their best to shepherd my heart towards you.  Thank you for your songs, hymns, and words.  I've been singing them since I was a little boy.  I've known your words from a very early age, your scriptures are a joy to me.  

And this was all under no merit of my own.  I don't deserve any of it.  Yet, I can't remember a time where your grace hasn't been upon my head.  You continue to give, you continue to sanctify, you continue to save.  The greatest trade man will ever know; my sin for your righteousness.  What grace you've had for me!  

Death

Azzi,

You went to your first funeral at 4 months of age.  We have a friend that lost their dad to cancer while he was in his early 50's.  A long life for some but much shorter than any would like.  I remember going off to take you away from the crowd as they were about to put his casket in the ground.  I looked at you and told you, "You're going to die someday Azzi"  Kind of wierd and awkward to say that to your daughter, but it is the reality for every human being.  There will come a time when you no longer will be a part of this earth.  We have no idea how many days we have here on this earth, I pray God grants you a long, beautiful life.  I wanted to mention  a few things that were on my heart:  Jesus Christ conquered the grave.  As a believer we need not fear death.  I'm sure that is weird thing to say and still very difficult for most Christians.  But it is true.  This life is not it.  There is more.  Eternity awaits all people.  Although there will be a physical death, your spiritual self will live forever.  The spiritual side of all people will live forever in either heaven or hell.  Heaven awaits those that are Gods.  We can rest assure because of what Jesus did on the cross.  Taking on the punishment/death that we deserved because of our sin.  Most people don't like to live thinking about death, but God instructs us to (Ecclesiastes 7:1).  A funeral is a better place to be than a birth.  We need to think about death, often.  It changes our hearts, it changes our daily thoughts.  It reminds us of what really matters.  Death is a wired thing.  It separates us from our earthly family, our friends and way of life.  But it grants us ultimate peace.  It is the pathway to fulfillment.  It is the greatest moment of your life.  If you've accepted what Jesus did for you, death will not be a horrible thing.  It will be the ultimate thing.  Yes, it will bring sadness to those that are left on earth, but you will be with our King, our Saviour, our Friend, The Prince of Peace.  Everything on earth that you wanted, you desired, you lived for, will be found in him.  You will be physically held, caressed, and kissed by our great God.  I pray that your deathbed will find you peaceful.  I pray your mind and hearts affections will be on the cross.  It truly is the greatest news.  Sinners are forgiven.  We are found righteous and pure in his eyes.  Jesus is our hero.  What great confidence can we have when it doesn't rest in anything of ourselves, but every single ounce is found is a gracious and giving God.  Accept what He's done!  Eternity awaits us all, I pray it's with the King!

I love you.

Dad

Waiting

Ash,                                                                                                              10/20/09

 I am writing you this letter on the anniversary of the day that I lost my job now three months ago.  We are currently living in Sherman with my parents, and have a beautiful 4-month-old baby girl.  We are coming off the high of living in the great city of San Francisco where we spent 7 months of our lives in the Nob Hill neighborhood.  What a drastic change of circumstances!

I wanted to write to you for two reasons.   The first being, you are my wife, my best friend, and my bride.  You took the vow to stand next to me, for better or worse, for richer or poorer.  I know almost four years ago, you never would have expected something like this and neither did I.  I never planned for you to not have a nursery, a car, our own home, or even the comforts of a routine.  I wanted you to have all those things, and I still do.  I want you to know that I recognize that this is not just about me.  It’s not just about my struggle with what God is doing, that this is equally yours.  We are one, yet we have different stories about God’s redemptive work.  I must confess, I want to rescue you and take the situation away, remove you from all the sleepless nights, frustrations, and lack of space, but I can’t.  God is using every ounce of our “suffering” to bring us closer to him that we may be like him, trusting him with the life he has for us.  I know that most of my days have been filled with anguish, my countenance has been down, and I seem hopeless, but I am clinging to the only one who can withstand such a storm.  God is big enough for our doubts and amazing enough to love us at our weakest moments of distrust.  God’s grace will not run out.  He has given us just enough grace for each day and promises to be the grace we need for tomorrow.  The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  Lamentations 3:22-23

The second reason I wanted to write to you was to strengthen you (us) through God’s word.  God calls me to wash you with his word.  Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.   Ephesians 5:25-27   I wanted to remind you of our great hope in our wonderful God. He has taken care of us up to this moment sprinkling events of grace even through this time of trial.  We must not forget the grace we have received:  getting out of the lease, enjoying the last month in S.F., money in the account to live on, my parents opening up their home, check from your parents, truck from my grandmother, wonderful healthy baby girl, diapers and clothes for Azzi, etc….  As hard as it is grasp, this story is not about us, it’s about the glory of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  The one who came to reconcile all things to himself.   Although we may “feel” like this doesn’t make sense it doesn’t make it true.  Our God is worthy of our trust, praise, and glory under all circumstances, even this one.  Our feelings will lie to us, but our feelings don’t discount what God says or the authority of his word, even if we see nothing on the horizon. 

So we wait on our God. Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.  For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.  Isaiah 30:18  As ugly as the waiting may look, we must wait.  We must press on and commit this time to trusting God to provide for his people.  We must learn from the Israelites who wanted to go back to slavery in Egypt when God had given them the promise land.   He knows your going through this great wilderness.  These forty years the Lord your God has been with you.  You have lacked nothing.  Deuteronomy 2:7   God can, will, and is using this for our good and his glory.  He will sustain us and be everything we need. 

I know we joke about possibly looking back on this someday and seeing that it wasn’t that bad and I hope that we can.  But most of all, I pray God will open our eyes to the grace he has had over us this entire time.  Keeping us from harm, strengthening our marriage, protecting us from things we couldn’t foresee, and being our provision day and night.  I pray that this will strengthen us for next time life takes an unexpected turn.  Most of all, I pray his name will be glorified.

Ashley, I love you! Thanks for walking through this with me, hand in hand.   You are my greatest encouragement and joy this side of heaven.

James

D.V.

Common Grace

Under the circumstances that I'm in right now, (no job, living with parents, etc...) I'm reminded about the incredible grace that God has for me everyday.  Not only for me a believer but even for the unbeliever.  We share in God's incredible grace of today.  Breathing, walking, talking, digesting, just my very being all are from the hand of a sovereign God who is good to his creation.  Amongst the pain and sorrow, the questions and fears, I can't help but stop and realize that God is good beyond measure to us.  Things could be much worse, and for most people in this world they are.  But I've been given so much.  I have an education, a house that is a rental, a beautiful faithful wife, and wonderful, healthy little girl that shares my last name.  Parents that love me and have sacrificed again for our needs.  Friends, family, and even those I've never met have been praying for us.  

From the beginning, weather I understood it or not, my life has been a gift.  My brain, talents, money, and time is all his and given to me for his glory.  I am doubly owned as a child of God.  I did not ask for my life, and even my salvation was under no plan or design of my own.  It's all by grace.  

Father, please open my eyes to the wondrous grace that you give us.  You are good to us, even better to your people.  You gave us your son, how could you not graciously give us all things.  I love you.  

9/15/09

Have you ever had the moment where you didn't mind the wreck that you always fear you might get in?  The plane crashing, or something taking your life.  I feel as if I've been brought to this moment in life.  This hurts, I feel crushed, weak.  My tears have been my food day and night.  I've cried more than I ever thought a man could and have sobbed louder and deeper than I knew possible.  My eyes are dryer and redder than I wish them to be, and my stomach stays in continual knots.  I seem to be like the sky's outside, dreary, dark, and full of sadness.  My plans have not gone the way I thought they would.  I continue to see things get worse and worse.  I'm not sure how much more I can be broken.  My 20's have been rough, so much sin to give over to the Lord, so many tight grips on the things of this world.  My sin is ugly and only seems to get worse the deeper I go.  "I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes."  Job 42:5-6  Wether it's seeking mans approval, trying to take control of something that I don't own, namely my own life, fear of the next day, the next week, and the next month.  Fear of taking care of my family, fear that this is the way that I'll always feel.  Sometimes I feel as if I'm sinking and I'm trying to grab onto everything else but what God has for me to grab onto.  So much of my understanding of the Lord has changed.  It's what started most of this opening up, purging, disinfecting.  

Sometimes I fear my dreams for they usually have led to heartache, pain, and those tears I've talked about before.  Then I fear my lack of confidence, sometimes I don't know which one is from me or the Lord.  Taking this thing one day at a time is rough.  Working out your salvation is  a lifetime of seeing my sin and then turning and seeing the cross.  Sometimes it seem so simple, invigorating, and life changing.  Then other times it's like I've never heard the gospel before, or at least that is what my actions say.  The fulness of the gospel I can't say that I've grasped.  I still don't trust my God, my Savior like I want to or wish I did.  My pace is much slower than I want towards sanctification, much harder than I imagined.  This Christian life is not easy.  

Without the gospel, without Jesus, and the work of the Holy Spirit I would have run.  But when you've had all the things you found your worth in ripped from you, He is the sweetest thing to me.  I'm in need.  Extreme need.  I've seen myself as lacking.  I've seen my plans go extremely bad.  If I look off and try to project my faith on the next few months or years compared to the way that it has gone, I don't know where it will come from.  I'm learning about trusting God with the grace needed for today, and today alone.  If I look to far, even to the next day, I will be shortchanging God on what he can do for me, the grace that will be required, because my brain couldn't muster up the idea of that much grace.  "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted."   Job 42:2 

Moments like these make me hope for the day when this will all be over.  No more weeping, no more sadness, no more pain.  Fully in the presence of my King,  aware of his majesty and holiness only, not my sin.

I pray that I not try to muster up a plan to take care of myself, come up with my plan on how this will work, figure this all out, so that I won't have to live in the grace that God supplies, instead I'll try to use the sinful counterfeit kind that keeps me in my misery, my own strength.  Father, help me understand what that means.  I don't even know I know what that looks like.  Help me as a man give my plans over to you, my plans for my job, my family, and the daily time, into the hands of the sovereign God that wrote the script, knows the lines, and has seen the ending, more like created the ending.  Father forgive me for I have chosen someone or something else other than you countless times.  It saddens me to see my lack of faith in a God that has proven himself more than I deserve.  My problems along this path are far less than the sins I've committed.  I deserve much worse, when truly I don't deserve anything at all.  

Why I don't need to worry or be anxious about anything

Why I don't need to worry or be anxious about anything:

1.  Deuteronomy 8:3  "He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord."

• God has a way of taking his people to the places where it looks hopeless, scary, and leaves us feeling like their is no way out of whatever situation we face.  That is the exact place God wants us to be.  He continually did this in scripture (Wilderness-manna, Crossing the Red Sea, Calming the storm )  How will this work, will we ever be okay, their is no way out...
• God wants our confidence to rest in him and him alone and this is the way that he goes about doing this.  If we were able to somehow offer up our plan, or our own way out, then we would take the glory and God would receive none.  He is jealous and not only deserves, but wants all the glory and will stop at nothing to make sure this happens in our lives.

2.  2 Corinthians 1:9 ( Paul speaking about hardships that were far beyond his ability to endure, "so that we despaired even of life"  )"This happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead"  Paul was delivered  from these hardships, but he did not assume that God guaranteed such deliverance in the future.

3.  There is no private ownership in the kingdom.  All is from God and all belongs to God.  We are not the owners of our material stuff; we are stewards, but not owners.  Owners are the ones who do all the worrying; stewards simply listen to the owner's desires and work to implement them.  Owners are responsible for the outcome; stewards strive to be faithful.

• Steward-a person employed to manage another's property, a person who's responsibility is to take care of something.  
• I struggle to view all as God's, that he is the owner of all of my things (talents, money, possessions, job, life, wife, children, time etc....)  I tend to think of it as mine but he gets to tell me what to do with it.  There in lies the problems, the tantrums, the anger, the frustration, the anxiety, the fear of doing something wrong, etc.....
• This being said, we have been given all things (paul saying having begun in the spirit are you perfecting yourself by your works)  since we have been given the kingdom rather than earned it, humility and generosity should be our natural responses.  

4.  Anxiety asks for more information so it can be prepared for the coming apocalypse.  It also asks for more information so it can manage the world apart from God.  

• Sometimes we are anxious about the future because there is no larger agenda that occupies us in the present.  Love, however, is an expansive agenda.  
• Trying to be prepared for the worst is me playing God, or trying to put myself in his position to handle it on my own apart from him.  Trying to be self reliant.  I don't like to be in need.  
• Self Reliance:  reliance on one's own powers and resources rather than those of others.  
• Your future includes manna.  It will come.  There is no sense in devising future scenarios now because God will do more than you anticipate.  When you understand God's plan to give future grace, you have access to what is arguably God's most potent salvo against worry and fear.  

5.  A withholding lifestyle means that we don't believe that there will be manna tomorrow. We don't believe we will be given enough grace. 

• Then the Lord said to Moses, "Behold, I am about to rain bread from heaven for you, and the people shall go out and gather a day's portion, that I may test them, whether they will walk in my law or not."

6.  We can't try to push the grace we have received for today onto the grace that will be needed for tomorrow.  This will only create worry and fear for we can't comprehend that I will receive the grace as needed tomorrow.  

• Are you worried about the future?  You are looking at tomorrow as if it was a final exam and you haven't yet taken the class.  Of course you panic at the thought.  But you haven't considered that you will go through the class before you have to take the final.  You will be given all the grace you need when you need it.   

7.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, everyone of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.  Psalm 139:16

• According to this verse God has planed my days even before I was.  He was there and say with his own eyes my unformed substance, my days are written, everyone of them (showing the emphasis of detail to the days of my life).  He formed days for me, specifically for me.  I don't know.  I couldn't tell you what the next few seconds will bring, yet he is already in tomorrow.  In him should I trust.  
• God asks me to live by faith in this, in him, his son Jesus, and his promises.   Romans 1:17
• Although it feels wrong, wired, and un-American to be in need to trust another's strength, trust in anothers way and work, it's the way God designed it to be.  Romans 4:3-5
• If there was another way it would lead to me gaining glory and feeling like I had something to do with it.  Romans 4:16
• Our line our heritage from father Abraham and on down the generations have been encouraged to do the same thing, so that Abraham would be able to be "fully convinced" that what God said would happen, would happen.  Romans 4:20-25

8.  We must serve in a way that God gets the glory, serve in the "strength that God supplies"  1 Peter 4:11

• We can not boast.  What do you have that you were not given?  Our very existance:  did you ask to be born.  Do you remember to breath.  All things are from the Lord our creator.  1 Corinthians 4:6-7
• We don't even know what tomorrow will bring.  Why do we talk in such a way that it is promised.  Even worrying about tomorrow shows how much pride we have...we think that we will have what we aren't in control over.  James 4:13-17

9.  Why do we not get to grumble?  Because our days are ordered up by God.  Good and bad, he allows or permits it all to happen.  All for our good, all for his glory.  No grumbling accepted.  Philippians  2:14

9/8/09

Christianity has not been tried and found wanting.  It has been found difficult and left untried.

                              -G.K. Chesterson

I haven't felt like I've gotten a full nights rest in sometime now.  We are back in Texas living with mom and dad.  We've moved everything we owned and have it stored in a 10x10 box with room to spare ( I love that).  I've had some contacts with other guys trying to help me get a job but nothing came about.  I did have my first interview during this time with Paycom.  I thought it went really well.  I was prepared and answered all the questions the way that I should have, and felt good after leaving.  I don't think there is anything that I would have changed.  It made me think about other times in my life when I did everything that I was supposed to do, worked harder, prepared, practiced, prayed for it to go my way and I ended up not getting the job, not getting what I wanted.  It's times like these where the sovereignty of God is what I have to trust.  I'm so grateful that God has shown me how he works, started to peal back the layers to how he set up the world to operate.  Without that I would be worse than I am now.  It's hard enough going through this life knowing and hearing about the sovereignty of God and his providence.  I know what it's like to feel like my efforts, my accomplishments, my activities should measure up and qualify me for what I want God to give me.  But he doesn't work that way.  And as much as I think he should, I'm glad He doesn't, for if he did I should be dead.  It's hard for me to get excited, to be confident in how I see this whole thing playing out.  I don't know, I just don't know.  I never would have chosen this path, yet its led me to know my creator more intimately.  Its led me to see life in a more spiritual way.  Its given me a sense of depth that most people never have in a lifetime.  Yet just as Chesterton said this is hard.  Most people would rather die a martyr, rather than live a lifetime for the kingdom and his prince.  It's just hard.  It's because the wickedness is there no matter how sanctified we are, it still stings, it still hurts, we still want to kick and scream when our plans and our ways don't work and don't make sense.  

If there has ever been a time that I started to realize staying in the moment staying in the day, it's now.  Looking one to two weeks let alone months down the road would bring me spiralling down and into a panic.  That is where most of my stress, fear, and worry live.  So I've started to see what Jesus meant by saying that tomorrow has enough worry of it's own.  Jesus never meant for us to walk this earth and use him like a genie, only talking to him, looking to him and leaning on him when we thought we needed him.  I"m learning I always need him.  I'm learning I will hate myself and this life if I try it alone.  I need him.  I need the body.  I will also miss out on the grace for today if I stay so far out from myself.  I will not glorify my father for all that will be heard is complaining and grumbling.  I'm the clay he is the potter.  I'm full of sin and deserving of death, EVERYTHING good that I get outside of that is by grace.  It's amazing how much I think I deserve and that my actions my works will gain me favor with our King.  No, NO NO!

I will not destroy you

How can I give you up, O Ephraim (James)?

How can I hand you over, O Israel (James)?

How can I make you like Admah?

How can I treat you like Zeboiim?

My heart recoils within me;

my compassion grows warm and tender.

I will not execute my burning anger;

I will not again destroy Ephraim (you);

for I am God and not a man,

the Holy One in your midst, 

and I will not come in wrath.

Hosea 11:8-9

My Way

I can't help but think of myself and my relationship/view of God when I see these emotions appear on my daughters face.  I had just gotten done changing her diaper and she was wanting to feed, but she didn't know that was to come, that it would take place in minutes, so she cried and made this face.  I seem to do the same with God.  I don't like what is going on, I can't see what He is doing, I have no idea that this step needs to take place before the next, so I stick out my lip and pout.  I cry, I want my way.  I'm think I know what I need, I know what is best. So much of this has become apparent to me once I became a father and took care of my little one.  I know what she needs, and I'll do everything to make sure she gets it.  I know what is best, I know what will be better.  

Lord help me in my unbelief.  Help me trust you and your ways, your process, your timing, your plan.  

JTH

8/6/09

I'm tired, very tired.  I haven't slept in my own bed for the last two months.  I haven't slept in the same bed as my wife for the last two months.  I've slept on air mattresses, trundle beds and couches.  My six week old baby girl, has never slept in her own crib, her own room, with her own things.  I lost my job over three weeks ago.  I never thought that I would be 28 and in this situation.  Confused, scared, worried, fearful, overwhelmed, and wanting to know what the future has for me, has for my family.  How will this play out, how will my thoughts look two weeks, two months, two years from now.  The days are hard, everyday has it's moments.  The time when I'm with Ashley it's better, when I'm looking for a job, it gets overwhelming.  I don't have much direction on what it is that I want to do, the business world can be so vague.  I'm afraid to say what I truly think I can do because I haven't had much affirmation on the subject.  I struggle with my age and thinking I need someone older than me to tell me I can do it, that I'm capable.  I'm scared I'll let that stand in the way, that I'll give in, that I'll settle.  

This isn't the first time that these feelings have come across my mind, heart, soul, and body.  I've felt the fear, the worry, the hopelessness of "how" it will all work before.  I've felt what it was like to try and make things happen, when God wants me to wait.  I've struggled with how to handle my despair, how to fight, how to surrender, how to wake up, how to talk to myself, how to be real with what I'm feeling, what I'm seeing.  I have knots in my stomach, my appetite is gone, my heart hurts, I keep sighing, I need sleep, its hot here in phoenix.  

Missed Grace

If I were to truly trust that God is fully in control, fully sovereign, fully capable of providing me with my needs.  If I was to let him be God and quit trying to play God myself.  If I was to believe that his ways, plans, workings, decisions, timing, and execution of it all is for my good, my joy, and his glory.  If the created knew their place, if I trusted the one who holds my very breath in his hands, wouldn't I act different?  Wouldn't I live different?  Wouldn't I love different?  Wouldn't I see my daily life different?  

With the loss of my job lately and the possibility to spend every day worrying, wondering, anxious, depressed, angry, sad, confused, frustrated, and hurt (which I have felt all of this) I miss out on all the grace that God has for me today.  If my focus is not on how He comes through like He promises He will, if my focus is on the distant future, if my focus is on anything but God, I miss out on all the joys, passions, life, and grace that God has planned for me today.  The wonderful taste of food from the meal I just ate.  The roof over my head last night and the comfortable house I got to sleep in.  The rejuvenating dinner we had with old neighbors.  The 34th day of my daughters life.  The car that was available to drive in.  The check that cleared, the breath I took......  I walked through so much of my life not paying any attention to the grace that God had planned for me in the moment, in the day.  My mind often goes to the future where worries and anxieties multiply.  I pray that in my life in plenty or in want I will not get so far ahead of myself that I miss out on the gifts of today.  My beautiful wife that sits across from me, my newborn daughter that is changing daily.  God is not impressed with my plan on how it will work.  He isn't looking for my input, or ability to carry the load.  My fight isn't in making things work, or carrying out my plan.  It's in trusting his plan and denying mine.  My trust and faith in him brings him glory.  Only he can be magnified this way, and I receive the joy from watching my heavenly father provide for his people.     

JTH

The Right Way To The City

"All the dark, intricate, puzzling providences at which we were sometimes so offended, and sometimes amazed, which we could neither reconcile with the promise nor with each other, nay, which we so unjustly censured and bitterly bewailed, as if they had fallen out quite against our happiness, we shall then see to be to us, as the difficult passage through the wilderness was to Israel, 'the right way to a city of habitation' (Ps. 107. 7)."

-John Flavel, The Mystery of Providence

The day that I lost my job, this book by John Flavel showed up on my door step.  I had ordered a few books the week before and always love the timing of such events.  The book was written in 1678 by a Puritan man who knew nothing of the comforts of this life that I live.  He didn't have air conditioning, insulated walls, cable TV, cell phone, posturepedic mattress, grocery stores, or the internet.  He lived in a time period that would bring most of us to shame when compared with ours.  He experienced several daily events that I will never walk through, that were a part of the times back then, and he penned such a beautiful book about the providential control our sovereign God has on this world and on my life.  I've grown to love the words providence and sovereignty, which is funny for someone who struggles so much with control.  I think it's the idea of it all that seems to stimulate me, for those who struggle for control, and have tried to hold on to it all their life, know intimately the despair it brings.  To "think" you have something that never was yours in the first place. No matter how hard you tried, or what you tried to convince yourself of, you can't change the way the Creator designed the world to operate, and you and I wouldn't want it any other way.  God's showed me my tight grip on such things as my dreams, relationships, appearance, and my job.  When God chose to reveal my grip on one area of my life, I foolishly grabbed ahold of another, swinging from one desperate attempt to next, hoping that finally my idea of security would work but it never has, and I know it never will.

I believe there is purpose every time something doesn't go the way I planned, every time something like losing my job takes place.  God is weaning me of the breast of this world and showing me where to find true joy.  He is ravenously pursuing my heart and is all about my good and my joy and will stop at nothing, not even sending his own son to take on my sins, so that I could have the abundant life that he talks about.  It doesn't matter that it doesn't make sense.  It doesn't matter that it hurts for awhile.  The clay doesn't get to tell the potter what to do and what to make of what he's got.  I don't get to tell the creator of the world He is wrong.  My compose is broken, I don't know the right way to the city.  I must humbly submit to his plan. God never promised me it would all make sense on this side of eternity.  But he did say that he will be faithful to complete the work that he has begun in me.  And with Job I echo "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted."  Job 42:2  

I must put my hand over my mouth and say:  "Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?  I lay my hand on my mouth.  I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further."  Job 40: 4-5

JTH

Meddle

"And do not meddle with that which you cannot recommend to God in prayer for a blessing."

                                     -John Flavel, The Mystery of Providence

Knows Best

I don't believe in coincidence, I don't believe in kismet, I don't believe that things just happen.  I've learned to look for God's movement and grace in all things. The sooner that I can look to grace the sooner I will trust what God is doing, leave my will at his feet and begin to let go of the control that I "try" to hold on to.  I heard several times from people that God uses our children to show us things.  I didn't know that it would happen so soon.  I've watched my little 1 month old breast feed and laugh at the fact that as her mother tries to give her what she wants, tries to provide her with the nourishment she is seeking, gives her the very thing she is wanting, but she looks for it else where.  She will turn to sucking on her hand, think the nipple is lower than it is, and defiantly push her way to where she thinks she will be satisfied.  It's usually not without a couple of attempts and force from mother that she gets what she is seeking, that satisfaction becomes possible.  The first time I saw this my mind went to myself and my relationship with my creator.  How often do I pull, turn my head, and try to find fulfillment elsewhere, thinking the whole time I know what is best.   God is leading me to where I will be fulfilled, the very thing I want, and most of the time ....If Azzi would just trust that her mother knows best, is all about her joy, is on her side, that she will take care of her, give her what she needs, there wouldn't be so many struggles, so many conversations, so many spankings, so many...

I was holding my little girl this morning thinking about how much I love taking care of her.  How I will make sure she is taken care of, has something to eat if she is hungry, make sure she is clothed, if she is cold I'll hold her close, if she is hot I'll take the blanket off, I'm all about my daughters good.  I see from a different perspective than she does.  I see with better eyes, from a different vantage point.  If left alone she will not survive, she is completely at my mercy, and I love that.  Again, I can't help but see my relationship with the Lord in the same way.  He promises to take care of me and give me what I need.  Although I think I know what is best, I don't, my plans often fail and lead me towards sorrow, if I would only trust him.  He created me, he sits outside of time, he knows the outcomes, he knows the end, he makes or allows all things to happen.  Nothing surprises him, nothing takes him off guard.  He is divinely, and supremely, unfrustrated, full of joy, orchestrating the hearts of man.  Yet, I still think I know what is best and try to find my satisfaction elsewhere.  How much greater is the love of our heavenly father.  Us, sinful, wicked people will give our children what we need, how much more will our heavenly father take care of us, and lead us towards righteousness and joy.  

JTH

Your Fired!

Looking back over my life during my 20's I have experienced a lot of change, several moves, and several up's and downs.  I moved from everything I've known, left the comforts of "home" and ventured out into several colleges.  I had to let go of a childhood dream, changed career plans, had my heart broken, dealt with rejection, and even started to watch my hair fall out at an early age.  Most of my adult life has been rough.  On July 20th it was no different.  I was let go from my job, from the only source of income for my family, just three weeks after my baby girl was born.  I can't explain the overwhelming sense of utter loss, utter failure, utter despair that crept into my body. 

Just six months ago, I packed up my wife and I and we moved from Texas to San Francisco to work from the office of this small start up company.  This was going to be our third state in three years of marriage.  I received a raise, and was making more than I ever thought I would make.  We were extremely excited to get to experience city life, and truly start establishing our family the way we felt God leading us to.  We were sad to leave behind family, friends, and an incredible church, but the excitement of a great job, a raise, and getting to work in a city like San Francisco was exciting to say the least. We had just bought a house not but a year ago in Texas, and were sad to leave it behind, it was our first home that we bought, but God was gracious to let us keep it as a rental and allow us to move quickly.  Life seemed exciting and adventuresome all at the same time.  We packed up the U-Haul and traveled across the US, excited about what lied ahead.  

I'm not sure that any woman could understand exactly what goes on in a man's life, the things that travel through our brains and the things that we see as extremely important and worth our time and effort.  God gave us incredible responsibility.  I don't take that lightly.  He gave us great position in the world, along with the responsibility to provide for my family, to lead my family towards Christ, to make final decisions, to walk in faith, to discipline my children, to love my wife like He loves the church, to live in such a way that my wife and children would see the grace of Jesus.  Really, it's an incredible weight that a man must carry.  I don't for one second think we are created to carry this alone, but sometimes I must confess it feels that way.  Sometimes the weight of the "world" gets heavy, dense, and tiresome and I see my huge need for a God, a Christ, and supplier to carry the load for me.  It's hard when your plans don't go the way you want them to.  It's hard when what you find worth in is taken from you.  It's hard when control is taken out of your hands.  It's hard to look at your wife holding your newborn baby, and pray and hope for her to understand, to wait on the Lord, and continue to love you even though you don't have a job.  (She has by the way been incredibly gracious and trusting, not once making me feel any way but supported.  Ashley is a gift to me and she shines brighter in my life when times like these come.)

I've had my good days and bad.  Overall, the power of the Holy Spirit has been incredibly powerful and glorious.  I can say that through all of these heartache, I've grown, what God said would happen has.  My plans truly would bring about my destruction, and even glimpses and glimmers of hope are worth praising Christ for.  I know myself, I know my knee-bent reactions to fear and anxiety, to panic, to force myself to get over it and not be real with my emotions and how I feel and trust that God is big enough for the reality of my heart. 

I've cried more in my early adulthood than I ever thought I would in my entire life.  I have confessed to my wife that as a man that makes me feel weak.  As men we don't do well with our emotions, most of the time we deny we have any at all.  We shortchange ourself and the work God is doing because we deny that we are hurt, scared, and fearful of how it will all work.  I guess through everything that I've gone through, those barriers, those walls have started to fall, but it's never easy to cry like a baby in front of the one whom you want to be seen as strong.  Again, I have an amazing wife who loves me, affirms the strength God gave me and tells me I'm more of man to her for being real, open, and honest.  

I have to admit that I feel the worst around other men.  It's wired.  Everyone in my life has been more than gracious and helpful in these times, but the reality is I don't want to see another man.  A man with a job, who is supplying for his family.  There is something in us that makes us compare our value to the job that we have.  How sinful, how unrighteous.  Forgive me father.  I think losing my job has revealed this to me.  What will they think? How will they respond?  What will they say?  It's amazing how quickly I can gain value from other things.  How I will put my stock in jobs, looks, talents, and material things.  God wants more, God gives more, God is all about my joy.  I'm learning how many things I turn to to try to find worth and value.  Lord help me.  

JTH

Fleeting Value

Azzi, today was your due date. Today was the day we thought you were supposed to show up, but most of the time as you will see, our thoughts, ideas, and plans don't line up with God's. I thought it interesting that today, the day of your due date, another young girl will be crowned Miss Mississippi for the 51st time. Having spent my fair share of time in the south (7 years) I got to see first hand the damaging effects of what this does to young women. In the south every young girl, from a very early age, is taught to get everything they can from their looks. They are taught that your self image and value are to be found in things that are fleeting. Someday you will be old, wrinkly, and heavier than you are now. Even if you get to age well, and I hope you do, you still will age. The body will deteriate, and all those things you found your value in will leave you. What a sad thing to try to find worth in things we were never intended to find them in. This is no different than a material possession, or another human, all will be found lacking. All you have to do is look around and see that it doesn't end when you step off the stage. The cycle repeats, the older women try to look younger, and the younger older. All chasing something that is surely to bring nothing but fleeting, counterfit happiness.

I watched the pagaent last night through different eyes. Now that you are in my life, I can relate to those father's sitting in the crowd. Azzi, God put me in your life for several reasons. One of those being to protect your heart. I've started to realize the preciousness of the young girl's heart. The incredible value, and worth of a women, the tenderness of their heart, the desire to be noticed and loved, to be seen as beautiful and worthy of effection. Azzi you are beautiful. Beautiful because your creator said so. Beautiful because he made you. Beautiful for one man to notice, appreciate, and doed upon. Until, that man shows up, and I pray he does, that role is mine. I never want you to think that a man will only love you if you know how to answer a question without even thinking, only love you if you pick a dress that has the right cut, right color, and matching earings. That the only way a man will love you is if you change your apperance, alter the body God gave you, and show it off on stage in front of the whole state in a two piece bathing suit. What a cheap form of worth, it might be the worst.

Take notice of your mother, what an example you have right in front of you. I was attracted to your mother's heart first. She stood out in the crowd. There are several beautiful, fit, women in this world, but I've yet to find one that possesed what your mother does. She had all the qualities, all the talent, and the figure to win a pagaent, yet she laid all those things down for something greater. God showed her her value came in something far greater than a crown that breaks, and an award that will collect dust and be forgotten. Your mother is the most beautiful person I have ever laid eyes upon. What power to not chase something so fleeting. What grace from God to find her confidence not in her flesh, (which is wasting away), but in her soul, (which will last forever). You have no idea, what a blessing this can be for your husband.

Azzi, you are beautiful. God created you that way, but your beauty is not something to be taken lightly. It's not something to be toyed with or abused. God did not give you your eyes, figure, and hair color for selfish gain. In a world where women alter their apperance left and right, in a world where modesty has been challenged with more and more skin, it will only be by the grace of God that you are saved from the utter heartache that awaits so many women. What a wasted life to be spent on cheap thrills and in the process damage your soul.

I pray God gives me the ability as your father to love you this way, talk to you about your heart, and lead you down the path of righteousness. I love the redemption process, I love seeing God at work, I love that you have the mother you do. I pray God keeps you from the grips of vanity and gives you the freedom to live in your own skin.

Dad

Legalism

Legalism is using morality or a command of God as a means of expressing independence, self-sufficiency and self-determination.

-Matt Chandler

Generation To Generation

I took my newborn daughter to church today for the first time.  What a wonderful thing, to have a child, what a wonderful thing to see their car-seat sitting on the floor of the sanctuary.  The Holy Spirit brought to my mind the grace that God has poured down through the generations before me that has led us to this point in my life and the life of my daughter.  I had nothing to do with the fact that I was in church today praising and glorifying my heavenly father.  It's purely by the grace of God and the sacrifice of his son Jesus that I find myself with hope, restoration, and life.  What joy I felt as I watched my daughter, although not comprehending, being in a place where the gospel is preached.  I love that my daughter will grow up in the church.  I love that the word Jesus will be found on her lips from early on.  I pray that the Holy Spirit moves in her life and shows her her need, shows her her brokenness and her depravity.  What grace God has bestowed on our family.  We were chosen by no merit of our own, to be a part of God's family and reap the incredible benefits of the sacrifice of his son Jesus.  Praise God for his grace, praise God he saves from generation to generation. 

JTH  

Never A Needless Pang

"We feel that nothing can be wrongly ordered while he is the director of our affairs, for he loves us too well to let us perish or suffer a single needless pang."

Marin Luther, All of Grace

All of Grace

"Never make a Christ out of your faith, nor think of it as if it were the independent source of your salvation.  Our life is found in looking unto Jesus not in looking to our own faith.  By faith all things become possible to us, yet the power is not in the faith but in the God upon whom faith relies.  Grace is the powerful engine and faith is the chain by which the carriage of the soul is attached to the great motive power.  The righteousness of faith is not the model excellence of faith, but the righteousness of Jesus Christ which faith grasps and appropriates.  The peace within the soul is not derived from the contemplation of our own faith but it comes to us from him who is peace, the hem of whose garment faith touches and virtues comes out of him into the soul.  See then dear friend though the weakness of your faith will not destroy you, a trembling hand may receive a golden gift, the lords salvation can come to us though we only faith as a grain of mustard seed.  The power lies in the grace of God and not in our faith.  …..Think more of him to whom you look than of the look itself.  You must look away even from your own looking and see nothing but Jesus and the grace of God revealed in him."

C.H. Spurgeon;  All of Grace

Happy Birthday Azzi

Happy Birthday my dear Azzi!  God brought you into this world earlier than any of us expected.  You arrived 24 days before your due date, but we are so excited to get to spend these three extra weeks with you.  Your mother and I ventured into natural child birth with as much practice as we could.  Ash read every book she could get her hands on and we enrolled in birthing classes to prepare as much as we could, and it paid off.  I cannot tell you how proud I am of your mother.  I hope some day you get to experience the joys of natural childbirth.  It truly was an experience that is unlike others.  I was in awe of the power that God gives women to overcome and fight through the pain.  We have been so excited and anticipating your arrival.  I know you won’t remember the night but you were born at 1:16 a.m. on June 25, 2009 in Dallas, Texas.  You were 6.4 ounces and 18 inches long.  You are just so beautiful and full of life.  God granted us every prayer of ours in bringing a healthy baby to us.  We are so grateful of his grace and mercy.  So many people were praying for you today.   We truly felt the power behind the saints that joined us in prayer.  God is our source of strength and we called upon him and he answered.  (Psalm 46:1)  I loved being a part of this experience with your mother.  I never knew that birth could be such a worshipful experience.  From the way that God designed the woman’s body to give birth and the grace that he intertwined all the way through the laboring process.  A couple of things reminded me of how God works.  During the laboring process, I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to intervene and do something to help your mom.  About all I could do was bring her water and a cold wash cloth.  That was it.  I was left to sit and watch and trust her into God’s hands.  I prayed several times that night.  I prayed for your breaths, I prayed that we would continue to hear your heart beating, I prayed for Ash.  (Job 12:10)  I prayed that God would give her grace to surrender to the contractions.  I prayed for the midwives that helped us,  all I could do really was pray and then wait.  That seems to be the way that God works.  I’ve seen that God doesn’t want my movement, my rash decisions, but trusting that He will work, He will move, He will provide.  God wants to be the one that receives the glory, the one that is seen as the provider and source of life, because He is. (Psalm 51:16-17)

Your mother and I prayed for you, that you would come to us, that God would grant you life, and He chose to.  He has great purpose for your life Azzi, purpose to bring about His glory.  Natural Labor is a process of truly placing everything in the Lord’s hands.  I know this is what he wants from your life.  Complete trust, complete surrender to God’s sovereign plan for your life. (Ephesians 2:10)  The Lord knows you better than I will or could.  He is the source of the breath you take and the purpose for why you are here.  Nothing in this life, no man, no career, no possession, no talent, nothing will bring about true joy outside of Christ.  One thing you must know, you must see, you must believe is that you are in need of a savior.  Ever since the fall of man, when sin entered the world we started to replace God’s timing with our timing, God’s decisions with our decisions, God’s plans for our plans, our ways for his ways.  If you haven’t felt it yet, seen it, and experience it, our world is fractured, we are all full of sin and in need of a savior.  Just like your father and mother, you have a wicked heart and are in desperate need of someone to save you from it.  (Jeremiah 17:9)  That is the beauty of the gospel.  That is the beauty of Jesus.  God gave up his son, so that you and I could have life, true abundant, meaningful life.  (John 10:10)  Someone had to take our place.  Sin is so horrible ,so wicked, someone had to die for it.  Azzi, someone died for you, someone stepped out of the heavens and sacrificed the ultimate sacrifice for you and I and that was Jesus.  The one who gave you your very breath, even the breath you are breathing right now, died for you.  The Creator died for his created.  He died the substitionary death on your behalf and mine.  There is no greater love than this.   Your mother and I will never be able to give you that kind of love.  All I can do is direct you to him, tell you about him, and raise you in the environment where he is praised.  Jesus is the sweetest thing you will ever utter, he is the ultimate thing to experience, know and feel in this life.

Azzi, you are God’s child, not mine.  He has complete ownership over you.  Your mother and I pray that our lives will be a resemblance of this truth. There is only one thing that I plead from you.  Surrender.   Surrender your will, your life, your passion, your sin to him.  He has incredible depths to show you that won’t end here on earth, but continue forever into eternity.  He will satisfy your soul, he will bring about the joy that you are seeking.  (Ephesians 3:14-20)  I pray every thing we do, every step of discipline we take, every act of love and every work of encouragement will all be at the back drop of the gospel, all at the mercy and grace of our sovereign God.  Azzi you are loved by your Creator, he has known you before you were.  His love for you is limitless and beautiful.  I pray the Lord gives you faith to believe and faith to continue in future grace. (Romans 4:1-5) I look forward to getting to see all the grace our heavenly father has for you in this life.

I love you more than you know.

Dad

Considerable Time Afterwards

These past few years have caused me at times to question when salvation occurred in my life.  I have come to understand so many things, so many things a 5 year old is incapable of knowing.  I do believe that a 5 year old can be filled with the Holy Spirit, can understand his need, can understand the gift that God gives.  Even Jesus himself says it's "childlike" faith that is required.  But for someone like me, who loves the question "why" I've struggled with this thought.  I know I didn't have the affections for Christ that I do know.  I know I didn't understand the fullness of the gospel like I do know.  Maybe these questions are signs of God's grace in my life, maybe they are a sign of sanctification.  I know that I'm in good company...

"Thus far I was answered, that before we arrived in Ireland, I had a satisfactory evidence in my own mind of the truth of the Gospel, as considered in itself, and of its exact suitableness to answer all my needs. . . . I stood in need of an Almighty Savior; and such a one I found described in the New Testament. Thus far the Lord had wrought a marvelous thing: I was no longer an infidel: I heartily renounced my former profaneness, and had taken up some right notions; was seriously disposed, and sincerely touched with a sense of the undeserved mercy I had received, in being brought safe through so many dangers. I was sorry for my past misspent life, and purposed an immediate reformation. I was quite freed from the habit of swearing, which seemed to have been as deeply rooted in me as a second nature. Thus, to all appearance, I was a new man.[18]

I was greatly deficient in many respects. I was in some degree affected with a sense of my enormous sins, but I was little aware of the innate evils of my heart. I had no apprehension of . . . the hidden life of a Christian, as it consists in communion with God by Jesus Christ: a continual dependence on him. . . . I acknowledged the Lord's mercy in pardoning what was past, but depended chiefly upon my own resolution to do better for the time to come. . . . I cannot consider myself to have been a believer (in the full sense of the word) till a considerable time afterwards."[19]

Thank you John Newton for your honesty.  Thank you Jesus for revealing more of yourself the older I get.  Please don't stop!