Considerable Time Afterwards

These past few years have caused me at times to question when salvation occurred in my life.  I have come to understand so many things, so many things a 5 year old is incapable of knowing.  I do believe that a 5 year old can be filled with the Holy Spirit, can understand his need, can understand the gift that God gives.  Even Jesus himself says it's "childlike" faith that is required.  But for someone like me, who loves the question "why" I've struggled with this thought.  I know I didn't have the affections for Christ that I do know.  I know I didn't understand the fullness of the gospel like I do know.  Maybe these questions are signs of God's grace in my life, maybe they are a sign of sanctification.  I know that I'm in good company...

"Thus far I was answered, that before we arrived in Ireland, I had a satisfactory evidence in my own mind of the truth of the Gospel, as considered in itself, and of its exact suitableness to answer all my needs. . . . I stood in need of an Almighty Savior; and such a one I found described in the New Testament. Thus far the Lord had wrought a marvelous thing: I was no longer an infidel: I heartily renounced my former profaneness, and had taken up some right notions; was seriously disposed, and sincerely touched with a sense of the undeserved mercy I had received, in being brought safe through so many dangers. I was sorry for my past misspent life, and purposed an immediate reformation. I was quite freed from the habit of swearing, which seemed to have been as deeply rooted in me as a second nature. Thus, to all appearance, I was a new man.[18]

I was greatly deficient in many respects. I was in some degree affected with a sense of my enormous sins, but I was little aware of the innate evils of my heart. I had no apprehension of . . . the hidden life of a Christian, as it consists in communion with God by Jesus Christ: a continual dependence on him. . . . I acknowledged the Lord's mercy in pardoning what was past, but depended chiefly upon my own resolution to do better for the time to come. . . . I cannot consider myself to have been a believer (in the full sense of the word) till a considerable time afterwards."[19]

Thank you John Newton for your honesty.  Thank you Jesus for revealing more of yourself the older I get.  Please don't stop!

I Don't Know

I think it might be because of my perfectionist mindset, my life as a man, or possibly just the fact that I'm laden with sin, that I tend to think that this life is all about "knowing."  All about knowing the right answer, all about saying the right thing, all about figuring everything out.  I tend to fall to the side of answering the question on my own merit, on my past experiences, or the experiences that I've seen others go through.  But scripture talks about me in a way that makes me shudder.  That makes me wonder why I ever feel like I know what is best, why I ever rely upon my fleshly state to decide for me, to lead me, and to ultimately decide the direction of my next step.  I'm starting to see if I leave it up to me, if I go to my own thoughts, my own feelings, I'm in for big, big trouble.  I've come across some things that Jesus says about us as humans that are so staggering to hear.  These are statements made about his chosen people, his saints, his elected.  Sometimes I love the raw honesty of Christ.  It tends to put me in my place and helps me take a step down off my ladder as I look around embarrassed that I ever got back up on it, again.  

• 1 Corinthians 13:9  For we know in part and we prophesy in part.
• 1 Corinthians 13:12  For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
• 1 Corinthians 8:2  If anyone imagines that he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. 
• 1 Corinthians 2:5  that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.
• 1 Corinthians 1:20  Where is the one who is wise?  Where is the scribe?  Where is the debater of this age?  Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?  
• Isaiah 41:14  Fear not, you worm Jacob, you men of Israel!  I am the one who helps you, declares the Lord; your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel.  
• Ecclesiastes 3:20  All go to one place.  All are from the dust, and to dust all return.
• James 4:14  What is your life?  For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.
• Mark 6:34  When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd.  
• Psalm 26:11  Like a dog that returns to his own vomit is a fool who repeats his own folly.
• Jeremiah 17:9  The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
• Isaiah 4:6  We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment.   
     

I've started to realize that if I'm left to myself, my own thoughts, and my own reasoning, I'm headed for a path of destruction.  I'll go directly back to my vomit, I'll chose corruption for my life.  The sad part about this is that I have proof for my lack of knowledge.  How many times can I look back at past experiences and see that my plan lead to a downfall.  Lead to lots of pain, lots of hurt and lots of joyless nights.  My intentions were good, but my heart is wicked, so I still chose wrong.  God showed me the foolishness of my wisdom, and how desperately I need to press in to him, not me.  I thought I was going for a place and time in my life when I wouldn't "need" God anymore.  That is what my actions were saying; I was looking for freedom, and my desire for that freedom was leading me away from God.  I was basically telling myself that I would get to a point where I wouldn't "need" God anymore.  I would finally arrive at a place where I could handle life, handle ups and downs on my own.  Learn enough spiritual things that Jesus was no longer needed.  I'd get to a point in life where I could say "I got it."  I was seeking a freedom from Christ.  When will I get to that time where I won't need him anymore.  I won't have to pray anymore, I wont' have to confess anymore, I won't have to seek spiritual wisdom anymore, I won't need him anymore.  And all the while he was drawing me to him, not away.  Showing me my desperate need for him.  Showing that true life comes from resting in him and what he's done for me.   That true life comes from being in Christ, around Christ.  Admitting I'm in desperate need of a savior, always, everyday, in need.  That's hard for me to say because I don't want to "need."  But that is the way we all are designed.  The way we all were created, to be in need.  In need of something far superior than ourselves.  If we only knew how short we fall, if we only knew how desperate we all really are.  Yes even those of us who have been in church our whole lives.  Those of us who came to know Jesus at an early age.  Those of us who think we know all the right answers, can find the books of the bible, and rattle off scripture.  We need Jesus just as much now as we did when we first came to know him.  Hopefully, if anything, we will see that freedom isn't found away from Christ, it's found in him.  It's not about knowing all the right answers, it's about knowing the one that does.  

JTH