I can't help but wonder when I receive something, something like a house, new refrigerator, washer and dryer, that I'm not worthy to have something so nice. To walk into my bedroom, yes my own "master bedroom" with the heat blowing at a comfortable setting, walk into my own bathroom with more space than some bedrooms, pull my own shades that fill my windows, sit in my own living room looking at my stair way that leads up to another part of the house. This can't really be mine. I have a garage, a backyard, a kitchen, 4 bedrooms, a house. One thing I struggle with is the ability to enjoy some of God's gifts. No i don't consider myself someone who hates having nice things, or comforts, but I really struggle when it comes to having things that I did nothing for. I always seem to be wanting to "pay back" God for what he is doing. Knowing full well the arrogance and stupidity that goes with that sort of mindset. Of course I can't offer anything to Christ. It is fullish and dangerous to even thing I could. The alter is closed and if it wasn't my gifts or little "sacrifices" ( i hate to even use the word) would never measure up to the gift of God's son. But for some reason, my mindset, my habit, my response, is always to want to pay back, think I shouldn't have it, or to not let myself enjoy it. I don't fully bask in the sunlight of the gifts of God's mercy and grace like I should. That whole "joy" thing I struggle with. Not that I don't want it, but I'm understanding how much I don't deserve it. It is hard to tell a driven, dedicated, narrow minded, passionate human that his doing, his input, his efforts are like "filthy rags" to what Christ has done. My mind constantly, without even my desire to do so, will go back to repayment. It's hard to believe the story about the prodigal son. Rings? Feast? The best robe? The kingdom? No way! He deserves nothing, yes, but Christ gives him all? My feeble mind can't seem to grasp how that is true. I know it is but, it sounds better than it is. Maybe that is my arrogance of experiencing the grace of Christ for so long in my life? For thinking that I have lived a life that is worthy of acceptance or honor. How blind am I to think that it's good enough for such a position. I really do believe sometimes that I could run through that brick wall and live up to the kingdom standard. My arrogance, my weakness, really stands in the way of so much of life that I'm missing. It's proof that it will never be enough. It's proof that I'll spend my whole life trying to live up to a something that will never be mine, if it's up to me.I struggle with enjoyment. Really enjoying anything. I'm not sure the mindset that I took into my athletic life has really ruined it for me in the days after all that was gone. It's hard to convince an athlete that he doesn't measure up. It's hard to convince an athlete that he gets to play even when he doesn't practice. That he gets to start even though he never did any extra. Those who work are the ones who play. Those who work harder than the others will succeed. Those who work extra will be rewarded. Those who do just a little more will be acknowledged.
When you are not practicing, remember, someone somewhere is practicing, and when you meet him he will win.--Ed Macauley
So when it comes to the time of being given something when you know you didn't work for it, when you know you don't deserve it, it's hard to accept it. The crazy thing is, is that, that is exactly what the whole Christian thing is about. We deserve nothing but hell. Period. Yet Christ comes to send his only son, Jesus, to save us from our sins and eternal damnation being separated from God. Then turns around and blesses us with more than we could deserve while on earth. Love, family, health, jobs, kids, friends, cars, houses, money, cash, etc...We don't deserve any of it. I don't feel this way about all of these. Which is even worse, that I feel I deserve some of these, but not all of them. But when it comes to such wonderful gifts, I miss out on the gift. I think I have to repay, or even worse, wait for it to be taken from me. (Al la, baseball). Maybe its a safety thing I've done. Maybe it's a way that I have set myself up to protect myself from not experiencing anything great, because I'm afraid of losing it. Kind of like never loving, for fear of being rejected, never taking a risk in fear of losing, never stepping out of the boat, for fear of failing. Maybe this is my way of protecting myself from closing my hand too tight on the "stuff" of this world. So if I lose it, then it will be easier for me to say see God, I didn't love it more than you. Or maybe I know myself to well to not protect myself. But really I miss out completely on the experience, the moment, because I"m fearful my part won't be enough. I'm starting to realize that I can't do enough to pay him back, so I've reverted to not enjoying it. Not letting myself receiving what is being given for fear of it being taken way and crying over it. Or even worse fearing that I'll want that more than I want Christ. I've seemed to get this all jacked up. God help me!
JTH
