Fear

I often wonder how much of my life is run by fear. I "fear" too much, if not all of my life is run by it. I try to think back to decisions made, decisions not made, sleepless nights, anxiety over small stuff, large stuff, stuff I even knew was completely out of my control, but still fear. Not the kind of fear that Christ asks of us in Proverbs 1, the reverent fear, the good fear. It's the fear that comes from a broken sinful human that thinks that everything is left up to him. I often laugh at people who knock on wood, won't walk under ladders, kiss the crucifix that hangs from their neck, say they were "lucky", but how often my life is lived like this inside my heart and mind. I might have conquered the exterior proof of my fear, but oh how it runs rampant in my heart. "Oh you of little faith." I can relate to Peter trying to walk on the water, Abraham trying to convince Abimelech that Sarah was his sister, Abraham again trying to fulfill Gods plan on his own terms in having sex with Hagar, some of the disciples who walked with Jesus, watched the miracles, were there for the death and resurrection, and watched him ascend into heaven and still some doubted.

I seem to be more like these people than say someone like Job, who experienced far greater time of possible "fear" than I ever will (Lord willing). How often my mind is stuck in future days, days of worry about how it will all work out. How in the world will this or that be taken care of. It looks so futile to my human brain. Absolutely impossible. I completely miss out on life. The abundant life (John 10:10). The experiences of right now, the location I am currently in, the job, the age, the time, the season, the friends, etc...How often we want something different, complain about where we are and think something from creation can fix this spiritual problem within us. For me it all boils down to control. I think I have it, but I don't. I live my life for it, but know what would happen if it was really left up to me. I confess, I surrender the control over to God, but oh how quickly I snatch it back when the next event of life comes crashing down. I miss the conversations, the moments where Christ is pouring his love out on me, the small things in life, because I'm so consumed by how it will all work out.



So then my question is why? Why do I not trust, not surrender, let go, give up control. This is what I'm realizing about myself. First I'm under the fall of man--Thanks Adam. To be honest a lot of the gospel, okay the whole thing, sounds too good to be true. To further state why my brain tends to struggle with this is because everything is opposite of this truth in the world. From day one as kids we are taught that your life is in your hands, make out of it what you want, but you are in control. So much doing, no talk of trusting, no talk of living in the Spirit (of course I'm only talking about God's chosen people, for outside of his choosing you can't live within the Spirit). We feed the machine, especially here in America where it's in the core of who we are as people. No thought of living outside yourself, that it's not about you, and you were made for a greater purpose. We don't trust his promise that he is able to do immeasurably (can't measure it) more than we could ever ask or imagine. I can't even in my human state think up or imagine how good it could be. (Eph. 3:14-21).



I continually think God is not on my side and that he loves some future version of me. You know the person that you try to become or create so that you can come into his presences. The Pharisaical mindset that you have that sort of control, that sort of ability. That sort of mindset that totally denies the need for a savior, because you are your own. So easy to disagree with, but so hard to live out. I've even at times fallen into such a lie about worry that I feel I have to worry. That it is part of "my part" that we Christians think we have. It validates my involvement in the whole thing. My worry shows that I care, shows that I'm not taking to much, liking to much of where I'm at, because after all it's not about the joys of this life, right. (I know it even sounds stupid, but true.--God help me)



I'm slowing learning what it is to trust Christ. I completely believe that he is in control of my life that he is sovereign over ALL areas of my life. That nothing good that we have or do originates with us, it all comes from the hand of God. He chose me from the beginning, and he will carry out the work until completion. It's just this process of sanctification that isn't fun. It hurts to see how little faith I have in my creator. But he does love me anyways, I can't do anything to change that. How amazing it is, what a beautiful story.



The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!" Luke 17:5