Life is very interesting for me right now. I seemed to have been taken on a ride lately by God, by his sovereignty and affections for me. This time period of my life (1 year) has gone by so fast, seen lots of heartache, and left me speechless. I'm sitting at my computer in what is now my home office, that actually gets used as a home office, because I now work from home. Just a year ago, I was getting up everyday scared I wouldn't wade up on time, trying my best to teach a generation of students that don't make that process easy, carrying my teaching "tools" around with me because I didn't have a room I could call my own (they call it "floating" in the teaching world). I was preparing for two different subjects, overwhelmed with angst and fearful that an administrator was going to walk in my room and not like what they saw. ( I have a problem with superiority, a little too much of a people pleaser.) I fought constantly with my administration on views, stances, and questioned their ability and paycheck. I was called into the principles office 5 times, and once told to not speak up at meetings. My teaching ability was questioned and also my beliefs, although they lined up with every other teacher in the building. One thing was for certain, I felt like I was in the wrong place, not using my God given abilities to the extent that He wanted them to be used. Something just didn't feel right. I went an entire year, ready to go home the moment I got there, I started to question my own abilities that a year ago were highly praised. I got very aggressive in talking behind the backs of the administrators, and constantly complained to my colleagues. I even started to feel like I was one of the teachers that students hated and didn't want to remember. The impact I seemed to have the first year was fading fast. For whatever reason, I wanted out, but I didn't know what that would look like. I felt stuck and was looking at my life 20 years from now still teaching, for what else would I do?Back to my home office. I work from home, love my job, create my own agenda, and get to see my wife everyday, all day. I feel it comes naturally ( I know what you may think, of course it does you get to work from home), I really feel my God given abilities are being used. For some reason I created my abilities for my old job. I took a very self righteous view of my self and my stances and tried to encourage students to view things the same way. I didn't have room for differences or the grace that's need to teach the youth of our generation. I thought I did, but I fell very short. The business world seems to fit me better. I guess getting a business degree wasn't a mistake after all. Maybe God was behind my choices in taking business classes, I just never saw how it would work, and had the trust in myself, which is the wrong place to have it, so I got scared and just fell into teaching, for I watched my dad do it my whole life (I'm supposed to be like dad, right?)
Life is just very interesting right now. Let me see if I can explain. For so long in my life sports, school, girls, whatever came easy. If I wanted it I got it, if it was attainable, I"ll run through the brick wall to get it, nothing was going to stand in my way. I didn't have cent of humility, just the kind you create yourself because you don't want others to think you're in love with yourself, the worst kind of all in my opinion, excessive lack of humility. Really, i just felt like everything was up to me. My success, my life, my dreams, anything. I had control. Therefore, being successful at such a young age, I took a lot of pride on where I ended up. I worked for all those awards, I worked harder than anyone else, I did they didn't, end of story. I look at this and laugh now at how immature and childish this sounds. But that all came crashing down like a ton of bricks and yes I mean a "ton" of brick, maybe two tons. The pain was excruciating and life altering, and at times so unbearable I wanted to end my life. For I found out the hard way, that that wasn't true at all. Thank God for his grace and sovereignty.
My new job came out of nowhere, I didn't have single thing to do with and that is why I love this story so much. I couldn't take credit for it if I wanted to? It's just not possible. God laid this on my lap and said here. This is what I've created you for, this is the work that I want you to do, this is how I want you to bring glory to my name, this is how I want to bless you, this is how I want to shape you, this is how I want to use you in this world. Everyday, I wake up thanking the Lord for what he has blessed me with in the work of my hands. I enjoy this stuff so much, because I feel I can, because it was given to me. It's a gift. I didn't give it to my self, I didn't even ask for it. Every time I talk about my job, I feel different than when I talked about my athletic ability (although I know he gave that to me also, I took a lot, okay, all the ownership for it) I don't become prideful, I actually become humbled. I know it sounds too good to be true, I know it's a job most guys would want, I know. Not that I make the job the idol, but I certainly am going to point to the one who gave it to me. I don't know what God has in store for me with this job. I just got an email today about possibly moving out to San Francisco....what???? I never thought it would look like this, that God could be this generous and this good. But one thing is for sure, the light points to him, He gave this to me, i don't deserve it, nor can I take credit for it. I live everyday thankful for his grace in this area with my job, thankful that he chose to bless me.
It's just different when you realize he is in control and you let him take over, really you just trust what he is doing, how he is working, how he wants to bring glory to his name through you.....I know.....I pray I say the same things even if it all tanks and it "looks" bad. God help me.
JTH
