Christianity has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried.
-G.K. Chesterson
I haven't felt like I've gotten a full nights rest in sometime now. We are back in Texas living with mom and dad. We've moved everything we owned and have it stored in a 10x10 box with room to spare ( I love that). I've had some contacts with other guys trying to help me get a job but nothing came about. I did have my first interview during this time with Paycom. I thought it went really well. I was prepared and answered all the questions the way that I should have, and felt good after leaving. I don't think there is anything that I would have changed. It made me think about other times in my life when I did everything that I was supposed to do, worked harder, prepared, practiced, prayed for it to go my way and I ended up not getting the job, not getting what I wanted. It's times like these where the sovereignty of God is what I have to trust. I'm so grateful that God has shown me how he works, started to peal back the layers to how he set up the world to operate. Without that I would be worse than I am now. It's hard enough going through this life knowing and hearing about the sovereignty of God and his providence. I know what it's like to feel like my efforts, my accomplishments, my activities should measure up and qualify me for what I want God to give me. But he doesn't work that way. And as much as I think he should, I'm glad He doesn't, for if he did I should be dead. It's hard for me to get excited, to be confident in how I see this whole thing playing out. I don't know, I just don't know. I never would have chosen this path, yet its led me to know my creator more intimately. Its led me to see life in a more spiritual way. Its given me a sense of depth that most people never have in a lifetime. Yet just as Chesterton said this is hard. Most people would rather die a martyr, rather than live a lifetime for the kingdom and his prince. It's just hard. It's because the wickedness is there no matter how sanctified we are, it still stings, it still hurts, we still want to kick and scream when our plans and our ways don't work and don't make sense.
If there has ever been a time that I started to realize staying in the moment staying in the day, it's now. Looking one to two weeks let alone months down the road would bring me spiralling down and into a panic. That is where most of my stress, fear, and worry live. So I've started to see what Jesus meant by saying that tomorrow has enough worry of it's own. Jesus never meant for us to walk this earth and use him like a genie, only talking to him, looking to him and leaning on him when we thought we needed him. I"m learning I always need him. I'm learning I will hate myself and this life if I try it alone. I need him. I need the body. I will also miss out on the grace for today if I stay so far out from myself. I will not glorify my father for all that will be heard is complaining and grumbling. I'm the clay he is the potter. I'm full of sin and deserving of death, EVERYTHING good that I get outside of that is by grace. It's amazing how much I think I deserve and that my actions my works will gain me favor with our King. No, NO NO!
